If you were thrown into a world of technicolor ponies, what would you do?
If you were thrown into a world of technicolor ponies, what would you do? For the lone human Anonymous, he'll discover the insane and wacky world of Equestria after being whisked away from Earth via portal. With a few interesting side effects, Anon will go on a quest to remember his past while also learning about friendship...and all that fruity stuff.
"Mysterious alien-like being to ponykind equals riveting tale." ~The Gracious Articuno
"Watch how he dominates animals with this one weird trick!" ~Milos
"Kind of slice of life. I can just keep reading." ~spiketen
And before you BLINDLY hit the 👎, read THIS please.
You don't know where you are, your hands feel like they're on freaking fire and you have an extreme migraine. All you had was a tattered bag pack and your adequately quick wits.
Without warning, large flashes of light appear, followed by a deafening BOOM. "CRAP!"
You look at the radiant night sky to see fireworks going off in a blaze of glory. Though they are a sight to see, you continue on. Using those flashes to your advantage, you get a better look at your surroundings, which appears to be inside a deep, dark forest.
While exploring the area you hear cheers coming from the outside of the gloomy location. With your backpack strapped to your back, you trudge through the dark wood. As you get closer to the source of the fireworks, you get a sudden feeling of something following you. Suddenly, a low growl getting progressively close creeps around you. Then, an undeniably putrid odor assaults your nostrils as what sounds like something charging at you. You turn around to see you're being pursued by a WOLF.....made of wood?
A timberwolf? Nah, that name is too cringy to-
[Who the hell cares, get the hell out of there, idiot!] your mind hollers.
"OH GAWD!" you yell running deeper into the forest. In your still groggy state, you dash through the woods, heart pumping, zigzaging past trees hoping to lose this Pokemon wannabe only to realize you've attracted TWO MORE of these creatures. Your hands begin to feel like they're on fire again.
[Damn you and your tasty bod.]
"HEEEEELP!" you scream at the top of your lungs, hoping someone would hear you.
Still trying to evade the beasts, though not getting anywhere near a few feet away, you trip over a ROOT! Out off all the small things you zip past, a ROOT screws you over....
Clichéd, but anyway, you fall flat on your face and roll down a hill into a pit. Seriously, why is this place trying to kill you?!
Powerless and at the mercy of the three monsters, you accept your splintery fate until you hear what sounds like a balloon exploding and deflating.
You open your eyes to find......confetti on your chest? Looking up, you see two of the wolves chasing after something.
"Pick on somepony your own size, party poopers!" a voice bellows out. Possibly female. ;)
Soon, a BLAST is heard, almost like a ray gun followed by bits of sticks, twigs and leaves cover your helpless body.
"You're not hurting anypony on our watch!" another female voice yells out in defense.
You really wish you can see the intense confrontation, but...you're in a pit. After a minute or two of explosions, confetti and lumber wearing you out, a shadowy figure reaches down for you.
"OMC, are you alright?!" the figure shouts in concern.
"I'm okay." you wince due to your bruises, reaching out to grab the figures......hand? "Thank you for saving me from those wolf.....thingies."
As you are lifted out of the pit, you get a good look at one of your saviors: a lavender coated pony looking you directly in the eyes.
"No problem." she exclaims sweetly.
"AH!" startled, you fall back into the pit shocked at what was witnessed. You open your eyes to see your body floating mid-air surrounded by a purple aura.
[What the...]
As you are lifted out of the hole, the pony gives you a look of confusion and worry. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I think he needs a CUPCAKE!!! I need my emergency confections kit STAT!!!" screams the pink, puffy pony accompanying her.
The pink one pulls out a medicine kit filled with diabetes waiting to happen and shoves what she promised down your throat with a creepily-cute smile. As you struggle to choke down that cupcake, you turn to the lavender pony in confusion who shrugs it off and rolls her eyes with a smile.
[Mmm, not bad.]
"Sorry about Pinkie Pie." Purple pone giggles. "She tends to think cupcakes solves EVERYTHING."
"But they DO, Twily!" the sugar-fueled demon whined gobbling every sweet in her kit at light speed.
"Anyway, where are my manners? I'm Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship. And the pony with the croco-"
"ALLIGATOR!"
"-in her mane is Pinkie Pie." Twilight adds slightly annoyed.
"His name is Gummy!"
"I-I'm Anon..." you utter, dumbfounded.
"Heehee, that's a funny name." Pinkie giggles. "I LIKE IT!"
The word 'princess' stuck with you and, using the last of your strength to bow, but you trip and collapse to your knees. You stare up at the purple eyed crocigator at your level, who slowly, but creepily blinks one eye at a time.
You shudder a bit and cut eye contact.
"Oh, you don't have to do that. At the end of the day, I'm just a regular pony like everypony else." Twilight states reassuringly.
Your mind had a MILLION questions:
[Who are they? What are they? Why are they talking? Why are they so colorful? What is this place? Is it Earth? Is it another planet? What were those pile twigs that wanted your ass medium rare a minute ago? Do they like butt tattoos? Is the pink one on something? Can I HAVE what she's on?Why is that alligator still staring at me?!?!]
The brain had to work overtime to process what is going on, some brain cells contemplated suicide. After a few moments, you use your vast reserve of mind power to ask the right questions.
"Where am I, what WERE those things and how the heck can you talk?!"
Twilight looks at you in confusion. "Um....well, THIS the Everfree Forest, those were timberwolves-"
[Are you freaking serious?! They actually called 'em that?!?!]
"Aaaaand we can talk. Ponies could always talk." she adds, matter-of-factly. "Pardon me for asking, Anon, but what exactly ARE you?"
"I'm a human."
Twilight ponders for a moment.
"Hmm, I haven't heard of such a creature..." she says lost in thought. That is until the largest smile you've ever seen on....ANYONE slowly forms on the pony's face.
Pinkie Pie hops over to you and gives you a sympathetic smile. "Brace yourself, Nonny." she whispers.
"Wait, wha..." was all you could say before turning back to Twilight, eye-level with you, still with that creepy smile, quills and notepads floating around her.
"Tell me about yourself, Anon..."
You get a sense of uneasiness as you look down to find...Gummy was it, gumming up your pant leg promptly.
"Nothin' muffin!" she says cheerfully hopping ahead.
[Ooookay...299? Being in the belly of a timberwolf sounds like heaven right now.]
You are walking with your color coated companions, who're bugging the ever-loving crap outta you with questions, questions and MORE QUESTIONS!!! That damned alligator isn't letting up on gumming your ankle to death, and you haven't gained a fraction of a chance to ask questions of your own. Like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!
"How did you get here?"
"I don't........really know. The last thing I remember is falling and waking up here." you state.
"What kinda-mmph!"
You clamped the mare's mouth shut.
"Mmmph!" she muffles in shock.
"When is your birth- MMM?!"
You silenced the discount Cookie Monster as well.
"Is it my turn yet?" you utter, visibly irritated. After a moment of sweet silence, the two mares took a hint and nod. "First off, how'd you know I was in danger or where I was?"
"Pinkie thought she saw a firework and wanted me to help her collect the remains. I TRIED to tell her it look more like some form of wormhole or portal, but.....she's Pinkie Pie. She doesn't take 'no' for an answer."
Pinkie smiles proudly before gobbling another cupcake.
How is it this horse hadn't kick the bucket yet eating all these sweets. Aren't they, like, poisonous to ponies?
Whatever, your getting off track.
"What'd you need the ashes for?"
"For one of Pinkie's...'experimental' treats." Twilight states disgusted.
"I was gonna call them Cracker Jacks." Pinkie sighs, frosting dripping off her cheeks. "The secret ingredient is the ashes." she whispers in your ear.
[.....yep. She's DEFINITELY on something.]
"And then we heard the HIGHEST shriek while looking for it and, one thing led to another with the wolves and, here we are."
You blush realizing your surprisingly feminine-like screams were heard, but who could blame you? YOU ALMOST DIED!!!
"Where did the fireworks come from?"
"There." the alicorn points to a large village, populated by hundreds of colorful ponies, who appear to be holding a lively festival.
[Where the hay am I?]
"Roll credits!!!"
[What the...PINKIE GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!]
"Okie dokie lokie!"
You look at the pink equine, who gives you an innocent smile. She seems like that type of pony you DON'T wanna question.
And you're not taking any chances.
You notice the teething alligator attached pick Gummy up by the tail off of your soaked knees and place him in Pinkie's poofy mane.
"Welcome to Ponyville!" Twilight says extravagantly.
It's kind of impressive how these creatures can make buildings like this with only hooves. Gotta give 'em credit for that. They really went all out with this festival. They had fireworks, circus tents...A FREAKIN' FERRIS WHEEL?!?! Holy hell, these ponies got skills.
As you and your guides reach the town, you see something light blue flying at top speed to the sky, with a rainbow trailing behind it. You thought you might've stumbled across an advanced alien race for that has to be the biggest firework you have ever seen, almost, if not, the exact size of one of these ponies. It flies past the clouds and stops midair...
[Oh God, it's coming down!]
The firework plummets toward the little village at an even greater speed than it did going up. You're sweating profusely, on the verge of having a panic attack. As you watch on helplessly, the rogue rocket gets closer and CLOSER until-
BOOM!!!
You're shocked to see the rocket bounce back up a few feet away from the town as a HUGE explosion engulfs the sky in a rainbow colored blanket. And then....the rocket's still in the air, completely intact. You squint your eyes to get a better look of this strange object.
[It's a......PEGASUS?! What's next? Dragons?]
You look and watch in awe as you observe this spectacle. A light blue female pegasus with a rainbow mane.
[Hey, is it me, or is she getting........FASTER?!]
"COMING IN HOT!!!" the speeding pegasus hollers out.
She's darting it for you, Twilight and Pinkie through the night sky. She lands HARD right in front of you all with a cocky grin on her face.
"So, how was that?" she says with a somewhat raspy voice.
"FANTABAWESOMELICIOUS, RAINBOW!!!" Pinkie screams enthusiastically as she pulls out a blue cannon and fires confetti in the air.
"It was awesome 93 times ago." Twilight says, feigning boredom.
The pegasus frowns. "Aw, admit it, Twi. I am STILL awesome." she says nudging her shoulder.
"Put that ego away, Rainbow, you're gonna hurt somepony." she snickers.
"Who's the new guy....thing?" she asks, staring at you with your jaw still wide open in astonishment.
"This is Anon. He's a 'hyewmun'." Pinkie squeaks using air quotes with her hooves.
How does that work exactly?
"Funny name, but nice to meet ya! Name's Rainbow Dash!" she extends a hoof to you.
You reach out, then stop.
[How would this work again?]
You both stand there in awkward silence trying to shake each other's hand/hoof. Then you clench your hand into a fist.
"Bro......hoof?" you utter, hesitantly.
"Brohoof..." she ponders to herself. "I LIKE it!" she adds as she slams her hoof against your knuckles.
*CLOP* /)(\
[GOD, THAT HURT WORST THAN MY BRAIN DOES DURING A TEEN TITANS GO VIEWING!!!]
Preach brother.
At first, Dash seemed like a pony who'd dress in style, but you sense she's that tomboyish kinda gal. Potential bro you might say. Hell, if that raspy voice doesn't give it away, I don't know what will.
"So Anon, pretty awesome stunt I just did, huh?" Dashie says hooves folded.
"Yeah, that was cool. What was that, exactly?" "A SONIC RAINBOOM!!! HAVEN'T HEARD OF ONE?!?! Where have you BEEN?!?!"she blurts out in utter disbelief.
"He's......new in town." Twilight inserts.
"More like, he's new in planet!" Pinkie jokes.
Rainbow tilts her head in confusion.
"I'll explain." Twilight huffs.
Later...
After moments of walking and talking about you, Rainbow looks at you, clearly impressed.
"So you're like an ALIEN? Cool! Do ya have any futurey stuff on ya?" the hype pegasus asks expectantly.
To be honest, you have completely forgot about what's in your pack. You know humans have advanced technology, but judging by the weight of the bag, you probably didn't have anything close to interesting. But you don't want to keep your ponies waiting.
You reach into your backpack and pull out a cassette player. You stare at it wondering why it looks.......so........familiar...
"Uh, Anon, you okay buddy?" Rainbow asks with concern.
Your brain begins to violently throb, time had seemed to stop and you get flashes. You see it... A tree, a present, and a.......plushy raccoon?
All of a sudden, you're thrusted right back into reality as you find yourself sitting on a bench between your three new friends. Everything's blurry and the back of your shirt is drenched in sweat. As your sight gradually returns, you see Twilight and Rainbow trying to say something to you, their eyes showing nothing but panic. Only the sound of a loud ear-splitting ringing and incoherent mumbles in your head echo through your mind. You manage to speak as the ringing began to fade.
"Ugh, what happened?" you groan, clutching your forehead.
"You just stood there and left us hangin'!" RD says with clear anger and worry in her eyes. "Then tears came down your face and you looked like you were about to puke! You had us going there, what the buck happened?!"
"I-I think.......I-I saw-" you struggle to get out, violently breathing like you've been holding it for HOURS.
[I got this for....some reason, someone famous had this.....I can't remember!]
Right now, your mind is pissing you off. Twilight, Rainbow and Pinkie are working to keep you balanced, trying their damnedest to make sure you don't trip and bust your ass. Your head's not helping either in the slightest, throbbing faster than your heart after a jog. You're staring at the cassette player, pondering.
"Feeling any better, Anon?" Twilight asks calmly.
"I guess. Still trying to wrap my head around things." you sigh, clutching your forehead.
[I got this, cause I didn't want.......an apple........apple.......Apple!]
After some thinking, you get an idea.
"Twilight! Do you have Apple here?!" you ask.
"Yes, we do have apples here, but I don't see how that-"
"Can you take me there?"
"Sure, I guess. I know just the pony." she states assuringly.
While trying to reach your destination, you notice the ponies in the area are giving you looks that make you feel a bit uneasy, specifically a mare with a light-aquamarine coat looking at your hands weirdly.
[In the pockets you go, hands.]
You and the others arrive at a festive wooden stand with hundreds upon hundreds of buckets filled with apples and you spot an orange coated mare with a blonde mane and a brown cowboy hat. You walk beside Twilight, looking up ahead to see where the apple store is anywhere, but to no avail.
That is, until Twilight starts walking TOWARDS the cowpony!
[Twilight, where are you going?!]
"Hi, Applejack!" Twilight happily says.
"Howdy, Twilight! What can I do for ya?" she greets in a southern accent.
"My human friend, Anon here needs an apple......for some reason." she states with a shrug.
You look over the stand Applejack's behind. Nothing.......but........APPLES.
[Twilight, I swear to FUCKING GOD if this is what you THINK I'm talking about...!]
"Well, any friend of Twilight's a friend of mine. Here ya go, Anon. On the house!" she says tossing a shiny red apple to you.
Through the powers of disbelief and betrayal, you catch the apple without flinching. You keep a stern look on your face.
"Twilight..." you say calmly, forcing a smile.
"Yes, Anon?" she answers innocently.
"Do you know exactly what kind of Apple I'm talking about?"
"Ooh, ooh! Is this a guessing game? I LOVE guessing games!!! Ok. Is it yellow? Is it green? Is it a zap apple? It's a zap apple isn't it?!?!" shouts the pink nightmare.
"No, it's a phone." you say behind gritted teeth using every ounce of willpower in you not to bitch-slap somepony.
"A whaa?"
"A phone. Ya know, iPhone, Android, Samsung? You do have phones here, do you?"
Pinkie's face is still as her eyes slowly drift in opposite directions with no response.
"We've never heard of such a thing. Care to elaborate for us?" Twilight chimes, failing to hide the notepad and quill under her wings.
You should've known. If they had technology THAT advanced, they would've had cars and the children would have phones literally GLUED to their faces. You can't completely blame yourself either. They have working lamps, indoor plumbing, movie projectors, etc. and yet they don't have any form of communication besides sending letters. But alas, here you are, in front of dozens of ponies explaining the concept of phones.
Never in a million years could you predict this.
Well....here goes nothing.
After a long session of explaining shit, you notice Twilight's working that quill to the feathers taking so many notes on this. Other ponies seem to get a kick outta this phone business.
And there might be a slight chance that you convinced others that Samsung is superior...
Anyways, you just about wrap up your little history lesson until-
"Wait, why is it called 'Apple' again?" Pinkie Pie asks, frantically waving her hoof.
"UUUUUGGHHH!!!"
After ANOTHER painstakingly long session of explaining shit, Twilight is practically geeking out with all this information, she looks like she found the meaning of life. Pinkie, still in confusion, raises a hoof to ask another question until Applejack and RD both block her muzzle with theirs. You mouth a 'thank you' to them and they nod.
"This is so EDUCATIONAL!!!" Twilight squees like a little school girl.......filly........whatever. It was actually kind of adorable. Almost got a 'dawww' out of you.
But time's a wasting. You've got memories to recover! As everypony leaves, you hear the children beg their parents for a Samsung.
Kid's got good taste.
You mentally give yourself a pat on the back. Soon you walk to....somewhere.
Hey, now that you think of it-
"Where am I gonna stay for the night?" you whisper to yourself.
"You can stay at the castle if you'd like."
Creepy how somepony heard you but who cares, all you heard was 'castle' and you were immediately sold. But then, you turn to the generous mare who offered you shelter, Twilight Sparkle, with the most bewildered smile you've ever seen in your life.
Unless you did see a smile more bewildered before coming here, then you-
[SCREW IT! Just get on with it already!]
At that moment all that hype disappeared and the creepy meter is sky high when it was HER offering you a place to stay. Don't get me wrong, you're grateful when it comes to dilemmas like this. You just have a thing about being wide awake at night, praying a lavender-coated equine doesn't come in and mercilessly dissect you, or something like that. But hey, someplace is better than no place, I suppose.
But you have an ultimatum:
Be homeless or Live in a castle with a 50/50% chance of being dissected and studied...
"I'd love to, but I wouldn't want to get in the way." you say. "Besides, you'd actually take someone you just met in?"
"Nonsense, of course I will!" Twilight scoffs. "I'm not called the 'princess of friendship' for nothing."
[She's got ya there. Eh, what the hell. At least someone'll be interested in my body.]
Sad, I know.
"Thank you, Twilight. I'll never forget this moment."
[If you still HAVE a brain by tomorrow morning TO remember this moment.]
"No problem. You're our guest and new friend, and we'd NEVER leave anypon......ONE out in the cold." she declares triumphantly trotting down the dirt road.
Not to sound gay or anything, but something about your new friends and Twilight's statement just warms your heart and you might actually like this place.
ALMOST.
I-Is that a smile on your face?
You catch up to Twilight as she waves goodbye to everypony.
"See ya later, alligator!" Pinkie squeaks, hopping away. "NOT YOU, GUMMY!!!"
"Hope ya find this 'Apple' uh yours, Anon." Applejack says, nudging your leg. "But ah guarantee you'll like the apples down at Sweet Apple Acres. They're DEEELICIOUS!"
"I'm sure they are." you utter.
"Steer clear from STRAWBERRIES!!!" she yells, galloping off.
A yellow mare with a curly red mane nearby gives her the saltiest death glare as she leaves.
The less you know, the better.
"Stay cool, Anon." Dash nods before flying away.
Wait, why is she going in a cloud.....HOUSE?
"Uh, Twilight? How is Dashie able to live in a cloud in the sky?"
Oooh, how you regret asking her that. As soon as that last syllable escaped your tormenting mouth, she begins gabbing on about this complicated way on how pegasi are able to be in the clouds, when really the answer you'd be okay with would've been magic.
"Science babble, science babble, science babble." is all you hear.
Reaching this supposed castle of the egghead, she suddenly drops this info on you:
"What'd you need an iPhone for if you prefer Sumsang?"
"SAMsung." you state. "And I don't know. I thought, if I found one, maybe it'd help me remember why I have this cassette player. Obviously, I was wrong."
"And what does THAT do?" Twilight says READY to punish that quill and pad once more.
"One history lesson at a time, Sparkle. Long story short, it plays music."
As you're fidgeting with the little device, you look up to see- HOLY CRAPBALLS, THAT'S HUGE!!!
[That's what she said!]
This castle is bigger than any building you've seen in this town. Is that made out of CRYSTALS?!?! Have you somehow stumbled into a Disney universe and through some mumbo jumbo spell, everyone turned into ponies?
As you and Twilight near the humongous castle, you're in awe at the size and shape of this great structure. You have to do something to make up for her letting you STAY here. Your brain and genitalia are off limits, so....
"Again, thank you for letting me crash here, this really is generous of you."
"Don't mention it. Besides, Rarity's the element of Generosity." she says, cheeks rosy red as buck.
"Uh, element?"
"Oh! Well there are six elements of harmony: loyalty, laughter, generosity, honesty, kindness and magic. Each element represents me and my friends for we-"
She continues with her heartwarming yet cringy speech about her friends. You kinda wish you had friends that close......but who cares? Let's get down to business.
[Yeah. Blah, blah 'elements', blah, blah 'everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked' blah, blah. I get it. It's still strange how random people are chosen to save the world from crazy shit. Who comes up with this stuff? Maybe this 'Molestia' pony I've heard so much about. CONSPIRACY!]
You two walk through the tall castle doors and are greeted by a short, purple lizard.......with wings? And hands, finally SOMEONE has them.
"Welcome back, Twilight! Who's this?" the little guy questions.
"This is Anon, Spike. He'll be staying with us for awhile. Anon, Spike the dragon."
"Nice to meet you, Anon! Are you some kind of ape?" he says shaking your hand.
"No." you say with a deadpan expression before releasing his claw.
You're still focused on that word: 'dragon'. [Okay, this is getting ridiculous! How many OTHER mystical creatures are in this world?]
"If you'll follow me, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping."
[Slash being studied.]
After wondering through hallways almost IDENTICAL to one another, intensely memorizing your directions, it's going....going....GONE...
[Where am I, again?]
Anyways, you finally manage to reach your room. It's pretty decent, you're not complaining. The only problem: the bed is so freaking small.
And there's a picture of a white mare with a curly purple mane?
"Whoops! This is Spike's room. My bad." Twilight says with a sheepish grin.
Well, after FOUR room checks, you FINALLY find a suitable room that ISN'T a closet. And the bed is just right.
"Make yourself at home, Anon. I hope you like it."
You're staring at this bed like it's the gateway to heaven. Without warning, you pick up the kind alicorn.
"I LOVE it!!! you yell, hugging her tightly.
"I-I'm glad y-ya do! That's what friends are f-for!" she says in a strained voice. You took that as a sign and release your death grip from her.
"I wish it were that easy to make friends like this back on Earth. I kinda sucked at friendship." you say a little disheartened.
Twilight ponders for a moment.
"Tell you what, I'm going into town tomorrow to buy some more quills. If you wanna come along, you might make a friend of your own. Think of it as an assignment."
"So I went from science project, to student. What am I to you?" you ask jokingly.
"A friend." she says warmly.
You had your suspicions about this pony, but when she tugs at your heartstrings, she really bucking YANKS!
But you got a counter: "So...where's my A+?"
"I don't count." she says slyly. "And neither does Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy." she adds with a devilish grin.
You don't know the last two, but you're not gonna let this mare win. "Alright. You're on!"
"Woah, woah Anon! Making a friend isn't a competition. It's all about-"
"YOU'RE ON!" you declare, slamming your face into your pillow with determination.
[GOD, it's so soft.]
You hear Twilight chuckle before leaving the room.
Look out ponies, prepare to be BEFRIENDED!!!
The next morning, an alluring scent slaps you awake. That could only mean one thing....
You jump higher than a jackrabbit in July (DAMN your catchphrases, AJ) outta bed and out the room. You're off like a gunshot, turning corners through the hallways Dragon's Lair style, getting closer to the source. You haven't eaten anything since that 'emergency' cupcake of Pinkie's. You did have that apple from Applejack, but you were to busy explaining Apple to stop and eat it.
You finally track down the kitchen, only to find Spike cooking some white puffy stuff....ooh muffins!
"Morning, Spike."
"Morning Anon. Care to try some of my cauliflower bites?" the baby dragon offered, wings flapping in excitement.
Not really a fan of cauliflower, in fact, you haven't even tasted it. You know what they say: 'If you don't like it, get a job and buy what you want, ya filthy animal!'
"Sure. Why not?"
As he prepares your plates, you look at those muffins... [We wants it......we NEEDS it!]
"Um, Spike. What are those?"
"Oh, those are sweet potato muffins. They're pretty good, but not as good as my cauliflower bites." he states placing a muffin on your plate.
"Dig-"
You go Walking Dead on those bites.
"-in..." he finishes. "Wow. I've never seen someone eat that fast since RD challenged AJ to an apple-eating contest!" he says watching you in awe.
[Unneeded exposition.] *DING*
While you finish up your ravenous little episode, Twilight comes in, eyes half open.
"Good- *YAWN* -morning, boys." she groggily greets you two.
"The usual?" Spike asks warmly.
"You know what I like."
FIVE MUFFINS?!?! This mare can really eat! You wouldn't like her when SHE'S hungry.
After breakfast, you three walk into Ponyville. Shops are opening, coffee sales are through the roof, and that weird mare is STILL giving your hands an odd look. You shift over to Spike's side for safe measures.
Pray this world doesn't have stalkers.
The further you walk into town, the more impressed how civilized and sophisticated these ponies are. They have stores, parks, A MOVIE THEATER?!?!
FYI, you're a MAJOR film fan, mostly animation, and just hearing the word 'movie' gets your mouth yapping.
[Ha! I wonder what films they have here. 'The Horse Awakens?' 'Free Filly?' 'Pony-hantas?' 'Spirit'...nah, that IS about horses.]
Dumbass puns aside, you arrive at the place Twilight's been talking about, which is a store made specifically to sell quills.....
Okay then.
Some shopping later, you notice you're reaching a train station.
[Again, impressive with no hooves.]
Twilight tells you she's meeting a friend at the station soon. While you wait on a bench, you search deeper into your pack to see if you can remember anything.
[Let's see, cassette tapes, bottle of water, more tapes? I assume it's an 'Awesome Mix' if i can remember how to work this DAMN thing! Anyway, headphones, toy gun, folded leather jacket, and...a raccoon plushie? What is with my mind and raccoons?]
"Whatcha doing?" Spike asks.
"I'm trying to remember what I was doing with this stuff before arriving here, I thought it'd jog my memory."
Spike tilts his head in confusion.
[I'll explain later, Spike.] Twilight whispers.
You continue to search through your bag until you hear train wheels coming to a screeching halt. You stuff everything back in the pack and watch as ponies flood out of the train doors. You notice Twilight and Spike waving at a light-pink unicorn with a purple mane and a blue streak down the middle. The pony trots over to you all with a cute smile on her face.
"Welcome back, Starlight." Twilight greets. "How was the trip?"
"It was good. Sunburst dragged me to another antique shop again, the usual. How were you and the girls?" she says handing her bags to Spike.
"Fine. We met an extraterrestrial!" she squees.
"A wha-?" she utters.
"An ALIEN!" she screams like a child on Christmas. "Starlight, I'd like you to meet Anon. He's a 'human'."
"Hi. I'm Starlight. Starlight Glimmer." she greets, hoof extended.
The same with Rainbow, you hoof bump. You put your right hand behind your back and count down from five, anticipating the inevitable.
[Three...two...one...]
"So, what planet are you from, Anon?"
Your mind is blown sky high right now. The first pony to not ask if you're an ape! You got a feeling you're gonna get along with this mare juuust fine.
[Don't cry, man. Don't pussy out of an extremely potential friendship with this pony!]
"I have NO idea, to be honest." you say, retaining an unfazed smile.
"So, these marks of yours, what are they for exactly?"
"Oh, these are called cutie marks." Star states. "They appear when ponies discover a unique characteristic that sets themselves apart from others."
[Whew, I thought those things for some sort of strange cult. I should know better, ponies like Starlight wouldn't do such a thing, right...?]
You're walking through town again with your ponies and dragon playing ANOTHER game of 'Ask Anon' with Starlight, but unlike Twilight or Pinkie, she gives YOU a chance at questions. AND she asks questions that actually MATTER!
"Don't humans have anything like that?" "We have birth marks, but they have no significance."
[That better not be code for 'Let me see your ass'.]
"Your go." you utter, tightening your belt.
"Do humans have any-"
Before Starlight could finish her sentence, there's an earth-shaking 'BOOM' heard in town. As the four of you rush to the source of the commotion, you notice black smoke ascending towards the sky.
"Does this happen often?" you ask.
"Yeah, but this is probably the tamer version of what we normally face here." Starlight inserts.
You turn to notice Spike struggling to catch up, even with those flimsy wings.
[Alright, Anon. Telltale decision here: go back for Spike or leave his ass.]
You rush over to your pint-sized bro and place him on your shoulders.
"Thanks, Anon!" the dragon huffs, out of breath.
[Spike will remember that. Your story is ging.]
You catch up with the girls to find a brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark covered in black soot. A gray pegasus with a blonde mane and creepily cute crossed eyes runs over.......with a can of whipped cream.
"Don't worry, Doctor! I have everything under control!" she slurs confidently, spraying the poor guy who didn't have a SPECK of fire on him.
"I appreciate the......effort, Ms. Hooves, but that doesn't help our........mm, tasty dilemma."
"Oops! Sorry, Doctor."
"Don't fret, accidents hap-"
His bewildered expression focuses on you as he approaches.
[Uh oh. Round five coming up.]
"Yes, I'm the only human in Equestria, yes, I too am a nerd, and, NO I am NOT an ape."
"I wasn't going to ask that last one."
"Just making sure."
You're a little tired of this game. How can Pinkie withstand this much questioning and find it fun?! Anyway, you, Spike, and the girls are in this 'Doctor Whooves' slightly damaged home. And by 'slightly', I mean the door and its surroundings are burnt to shit! Apparently, that cross-eyed Pegasus from earlier mistook one of the Doc's contraptions for a stove and tried bake muffins. The whole time you're having this conversation with Whooves, he's giving off this impression that he's hiding something, especially when it came to last night's events. And you notice he keeps sneaking glances towards a busted up invention in the corner of the living room. You finally crack and ask:
"Pardon me for askin' doc, but what's that thing do exactly?"
"Oh, this gadget? One of my more embarrassing blunders. Nothing special." he dismisses.
"Isn't tha the portal masheen I thot was ah fiherwurk launsher?" the questionably autistic mare loudly announces, mouth filled with whipped cream. #Giggity
Every word uttered made the doctor cringe like a dagger struck his heart. The room is absolutely silent, everyone's eyes are wide open, including yours. You were thrown into an unfamiliar world filled with mystical creatures and talking cash-grabs because of a blonde who's as sharp as a bowling ball.
But you're not that kind of person who holds grudges...
"Oooooohh. I'm so sorry, Anon. I-I...just don't know what went wrong!"
"Oh, its fine." you say nonchalantly.
Because you throw HISSY fits. Well.......you do internally.
[Woooo doggy, if Purple Smart, Spyro and Glim Glam weren't here, I would've gave the Tourettes Guy a run for his money!]
Derpy leaves the room and comes back with a lumpy blueberry muffin with a whipped cream smiley face on it. "Apology muffin?" she offers with a nervous smile.
[Aww. Ponies + Your Feels = 'I can't stay mad at you'.]
Those eyes...
She looks like she's been through some bad stuff. Like, maybe sensitive ponies out there don't like her appearance...
Or maybe she makes really bad-looking muffins.
You take the muffin and hesitantly nibble on the droopy side.
Bucking delicious, tbh.
"Have you had any recent side effects since your arrival?" the intelligent stallion asks.
"Other than my memory being jacked, no."
"Intriguing. You wouldn't mind if I ran a few tests would you?"
You look to your friends in concern. Twilight raises her hoof, with a reassuring nod.
"Alright, I guess. Just no dissection, GOT it?!"
Everyone in the room breaks into hysterical laughter.
"I'm a doctor, but not THAT kind of doctor!" Whooves chortles.
"Again, making sure. I thought Twilight was a mad scientist planning to do it with the amount of questions she had." you joke.
Twilight frowns at your statement.
Remember, 'PRINCESS' of friendship. She'll probably have your ass flogged for that.
You and the others follow the doctor to his so-called 'tinker room' where the smell of muffins and tea invade your noses. Machines and whatchamacallits beeping and booping, kind of sounds like trap music.....lame.
Doc motions you over towards a stool. He pulls out a gadget with a drill, a clamp, a mallet and a BUZZSAW?!?!
Go, Go, Gadget SCREWED...
After about a half hour of intense, awkward studying, Whooves here, is incredibly ecstatic about your anatomy almost like he found the cure to every disease out there.
"Absolutely extraordinary!" he exclaims. "The effects of my Portal Ray 3000 have increased your muscular gland's capabilities a thousand fold!"
".......what?"
[English, motherbucker, do you speak it?!]
"Follow me, if you will." Doc says in anticipation.
You all follow the trotty professor outside towards town square. He leads you to a tall tree nearby, takes off his green tie, and THROWS it on the roof. "Would you be a chap and fetch that for me?"
"How...?" you ask.
"It's elementary, Anonymous. Simply jump."
[Alright, Doc. I'll play John Carter.]
You walk up to the large oak and hop a millimeter off the ground.
"Oh come, come now. You can jump higher than that."
This is getting pretty suspicious.
But you don't want to look lazy in front of your bros. So with a little more effort, you jump-
"WOAH!" you yelp as you crash into the tree's hard trunk and end up ensnared in its branches.
"Wow! I thought you said you didn't have any powers, Anon!" Twilight yells in astonishment. "I DIDN'T!" you pant. "BUT APPARENTLY I DO, NOW!"
You are so close to crapping yourself, it's insane. As you're clinging to a flimsy branch for dear life, you pluck the doctor's tie out the leaves.
"Can you try to land?" Spike asks.
"Of course." the doctor states. "If he can jump up, then he'll surely jump down."
"H-Here I go!" you announce, gaining more ponies' attention.
With nothing left a LOT to lose, you take a deep breath before back-flipping off of the roof. You feel like a badass as you reach the ground.
But fate decided to mess with you and you fall FLAT on your face, tie still in hand.
"ANON! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" Starlight squeaks in surprise at your side.
"Well, I fell down TONS of feet towards the ground, so I'm gonna say yeah." you sarcastically only to realize you've sustained NO injuries whatsoever. As you hand Whooves' tie back, you begin to process what had just occurred.
[So, I'm practically impenetrable here?]
Your mind starts spewing ideas rapid fire before a smirk forms on your face.
"I have super powers..."
"Maybe we should take a break from this portal power training for one-" was all Glimmy could utter before you were higher than a kite.
And not in the OTHER fun way.
"JOHN CAAAARTEEEERR!!!" you howl out loud as you take to the sky.
As you bound around random spots of Ponyville, ponies stare at you in both amazement and confusion. Leaping past a nearby schoolhouse, you notice three fillies on the playground watching you completely starstrucked.
Especially the orange one for some reason. Eventually, as you continue your high-flying leaps of awesomeness, you find yourself hopping beside an unexpecting flying Rainbow Dash.
"Hey, wassup Rainbow!"
"Hey, Anon......ANON?!" she exclaims in pure shock. "What are you doing up here?!" "I don't know!" you say in blissfully ignorant joy before you descend. Rainbow flies down to your level and witnesses you perfecting your superhero landing.
Her jaw comically drops to the FLOOR. "H-How did you-"
"I'll explain later, I've GOT to tell Twi about this!" you state in excitement, running down the street only to suddenly end up running into a bar HARD.
LITERALLY, you run into a lamppost headfirst faster than you could say 'Oof...'. You recover from the surprise boost in speed and have an internal geek-out.
"Try to keep up!" you blurt out, sprinting down the dirt road like a bullet.
[All I need is a bulky red friend to be made a meme and I'll be FAMOUS!]
"Last one to Town Hall's a prissy pony!" you challenge.
"Oh ho, It is ON!" she cockily states before picking up speed.
You zigzag right through through the streets of Ponyville, RD's HOT on your trail. The two of you are neck at neck, blood pumping fast through both your veins. Everything's moving slower in your eyes, almost like it froze. You spot Twilight and the rest waiting and rush right past them.
You two have your arms extended, ready to tag the 'finish line'.
Its RD, no you, no RD, NO- D'oooooh it's a TIE!
Damn....
Well, you both suck.
"Now that's what I call *pant* a morning workout!" Rainbow pants.
You zoom towards Doctor Whooves, a huge grin plastered on your face. Top that Pinkie!
"Is it a possibility that portal thingy gave me anymore powers, whatsoever?" you squee.
Doc smirks a little. "There's only one way to find out..."
"So, Derpy's the one who brought you here and that portal thingy gave you, like, a bunch of super powers?"
"Pretty much. But I'm not complaining!" you cackle, lifting a large wagon of apples with your hands.
You and Rainbow are goofing around, exhibiting your newfound abilities. Twilight and Starlight left awhile ago, believing you to be in 'good hooves', and Spike decided to stay and watch your awesomely sick moves. Doc, on the other hand/hoof, is taking notes faster than Twilight does! Derpy's taking notes too.....
Or maybe she's playing Hangmare by herself. I bet 5, the answer is 'muffins'.
"This is a fascinating find, isn't it Miss Hooves?"
"Aw zap apples! It WAS 'muffins'."
*Cha-CHING*
At this point, you feel like a total BOSS right now, ready to take on whatever the world throws at you. You look to your bros to find them whispering to a yellow pony with a tan mane. Their conversation seem to involve you because both RD and Spike keep sneaking glances at you. As you approach them, the yellow pony leaves.
"Hey guys. Who was that?"
"Oh, that's Mr. Cake. He was just talking to us about......a new secret recipe of his at Sugarcube Corner."
"Wanna come sample some with us?" Spike offers.
"Sure, why not?" you shrug as you put down the wagon you were mindlessly lifting.
You bid farewell to Whooves and Derpy, as you catch up to your bros. While exploring the rest of town, you start to notice there aren't AS many ponies as there were earlier.
Are they shooting their rendition of 'The Good, the Bad and the Filly'?
The three of you arrive at a gingerbread-like building when the faint scent of cake reaches you.
[Is it somepony's birthday? I know a lot of cakes, and that's a classic BDC.]
You hesitantly enter the dark establishment when realize, Dash and Spike were gone. "Guys?" your voice echoed. "Are you there-"
All of a sudden, the blinding lights flash on, Spike and RD pop up behind you along with other ponies appearing from all directions and confetti explodes in the air.
"SUPRISE!"
"AH!!!" you scream, clutching your chest.
"Let's get this 'Welcome to Equestria Party' STARTED!!!"
As you recover from shock, you spot Pinkie throwing a record like a Frisbee towards a phonograph. It pathetically bounces off of the device and shatters.
"....Oopsie." the silly mare groans in embarrassment.
You'd play some of your sick jams for them, but you can't find the damn play button on this player. There's the rewind, fast forward, record, pause, and two eject buttons...
Wait, two?
[Well, I'm an idiot.]
Face-palming time aside, you remove the cassette from your belt and push the slightly faded PLAY button. This thing's got some ZING to it, because everypony inside and even outside the building could hear it.
You catch yourself rhythmically tapping your foot as the oh so familiar beats kick in. Ponies around you seem to get hooked on it. As you get a TERRIBLE case of happy feet and dance around, RD and Spike join in, then eventually everypony else.
At first, they started kicking around like they're having a massive seizure, but they eventually get the feel of the most powerful magic known as ELO and move to the beat. There's this white unicorn with a cyan striped mane and black goggles who was REALLY getting down in here.
Somepony has good tastes.
[Man! We ALL have happy feet/hooves right now!!!]
Later that evening, some ponies are completely exhausted from the countless LIT songs you have and take their leave while others stayed and socialized. That white unicorn from earlier has totally passed out from all that dancing and thrashing. Her dark-grey friend came in and basically dragged her out, appearing to have done this before.
You also spot a pale mulberry mare with grapes and a strawberry cutie mark sleeping head-first in the punch bowl, blowing fruity bubbles.
[How is she breathing in that, exactly?]
Spike is potentially drunk at this point.
[WHO GETS DRUNK OFF PUNCH?!...unless...]
"Alright, who 'spiked' the punch?" you lazily joke.
In a split second, the unconscious mare in the punch bowl raises her hoof.
"Woah, for real?"
She groggily looks up to you and nods her soggy, juicy head before resuming her slumber in the bowl. You laugh for a while until your stomach shuts you up. It was very clear that you had a skosh too much cake.
So did RD and AJ, for that matter. Those two cannot go one MINUTE without competing against each other. Their stomachs are absolutely BLOATED from the cakes and punch they consumed. Guess you have to carry your three friends' sorry flanks home.
[Like HELL I'm doing that!]
"Alright you two lazy fillies, time to get the buck up!"
This world is getting to your vocabulary. ROUGHLY.
You pick up the unconscious dragon and prepare to leave when a pink blur rushes past you towards the door.
"Wait! You can't leave without your gift, Nonny!" Pinkie says, shoving a gift in your face.
"Oh, t-thanks Pinkie!" you say wholeheartedly with a smile on your face. Opening the box, you find something blue at the bottom of the box. You take a closer inspection at your gift.
[......uh oh...]
*POP!* *SQUEAK!*
Confetti and balloons engulf you and Spike as Pinkie falls back, laughing her mane off.
"HA! You should've seen the look on your face! PRICELESS!"
You have the most stick-in-the-muddiest frown on your face and you're ready to kick somepony's flank. But you always appreciate a good prank.
And....Pinkie's laughter is rather contagious.
But she's also distracted.
With a swift hand, you pick up her party cannon and FIRE. Her laughs stop dead in her tracks. You let out the most crazed, throat-choking cackle you could manage.
Mark Hamil's got nothing on you.
You drop the cannon and walk over Pinkie, who's laughing even HARDER than earlier, before passing out in a snap. Mr. and Mrs. Cake come by and pick up the unconscious pony.
"Don't worry-" "This always happens." they reassure you.
You nod and carry the Spike towards the castle, but you feel like something's missing....
[MY PACK! I must've left it back at the doc's lab!]
You rush to his home to find your bag dangling on the doorknob. There's a note:
Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have misplaced your pack earlier today, old chap. I'm currently working on something that'll be more to your liking in the near future. Until then, stay...'cool' is it? Foals today... ~Doctor "Time Turner" Whooves
You pick up your bag with a grin and resume your walk.
As you enter the crystal playset, Spike's drooling on your shoulder.
[WAIT! I GOT IT....Buck to the Future!]
"Aw, BOOO!"
[Get...out...]
"Alrighty tighty!"
[Aren't you supposed to be asleep right now?]
"..."
Some time later, you put Spike to bed, and head off to yours. Walking down the hallways, you hear a commotion. It sounds like someone's blasting something. As you get closer to the source of the sound, the library, you feel the floor shake. Cracking the door a smidge, you see Twilight and Starlight obliterating floating targets.
"Hey girls. What's up-" you say opening the door wider.
Starlight turns to you when her horn blasts a beam of magic that misses the target, ricochets off the walls and comes barreling towards you.
[.....damn.]
The beam strikes you in the chest, throwing you across the room.
"OHMIGOSH! ANON, I'M SO SORRY!!!" she screams, hovering over you.
You open your eyes to find yourself completely unscathed. Your shirt on the other hand...
"I-I think I'm okay."
Starlight and Twilight sigh in relief as those floating targets disappear.
"Don't worry, it was my fault. I came in at a bad time. I distracted your.......what were you two doing?"
"Practicing teamwork targeting." Twilight states. "Wait, how were you not affected by the blast?"
"Portal...?"
"Eh, makes sense."
"Geez, Anon!" Starlight winces. "Your clothes really took a beating since you arrived."
She's right. Branches ripped your sleeves during that timberwolf attack, got dirtied up by your embarrassing flops and getting yourself anime blasted by a pink unicorn.
In other words: you look like ASS!
"Ugh, I noticed." you sigh. "Now that I think about it, where do ponies usually get their clothes."
You wake up in bed the next morning, your skin itching like a mofo. For some odd reason, you're craving fruits and vegetables more than a vegetarian EVER will. You were supposed to meet up with the girls to meet this 'Rarity' friend of theirs to fit you into some......less shitty clothing. You go Pac-Man on that apple Applejack gave you the other day, and go searching for your equine acquaintances. As you walk down the hallway, you notice your scaly bro's suffering from an unforgiving hangover. I guess punch has different effects on some creatures.
"Mornin' Spike. You feeling any better today?" you ask, rubbing his poor head.
"I'll be fine." he belches. "Just need a gem......or FIVE."
[Hm. I guess dragons are like hippies, using crystals as a form of medicine. 'The More You Know', I guess. Where's that one I got from the party?]
You search your pockets until you find a plump scarlet jewel.
"Here. Don't know what to do with it anyway." you say holding the sparkling gem in front of Spike's face.
Suddenly, Spike goes full Frogger on your arm and swipes the crystal from your grasp with his slimy tongue and swallows it whole.
"Thanks, Anon. I owe you one." he sighs in relief.
[Spike will also remember that.
And also, bucking GROSS! Dragon spit! I guess jewels must be painkillers then.]
"Don't mention it, my scaly dragon bro."
While you and your hungover hombre walk to the kitchen, you hear something flapping, almost at rapid speed.
Almost like a butterfly in the distance.
"You hear that?"
Nothing but silence...
"H-Hear......what?"
"That sound, you don't hear that?"
"Eh, maybe it's your stomach. Come on, I'll get you something."
[How do you misinterpret a butterfly's wing beat for a growling stomach? Whatever, I'm starving anyway. Wait-, *sniffs* is that what I think it is?! Dang, I could go for a large salad right now!]
The two of you enter the kitchen when you spot a basket on the dinner table FILLED with vegetables.
"So what can I get ya? Muffins, pancakes, cauliflower bi-?"
You cut Spike off as you go raving RABID and lunge at the table tearing into the vegetable basket before you. You feel like your in absolute heaven right now. These crazy cravings are getting the better of you, it's insane.
[BWAAAAAAH!...what has gotten into me?!]
"-bowl of vegetables it is." Spike snickers.
Finally satisfying your inner veggie monster, you and Spike leave the castle. Spike says something about needing flowers for a reason he's clearly too embarrassed to explain. Like, everytime you ask why, he keeps trying to hide an obviously visible blush.
"What do you need the flowers for?"
"S-Something, Anon." he stutters.
[Come on Spike. Can't hold out on a bro!]
The two of you stroll towards a large field on the outskirts of Ponyville. You stood out there for about a half hour or so, but your not complaining. It's actually really peaceful out there in the fields. As Spike plucks roses, a yellow Pegasus with a long pink mane apprcoaches you.
"Hello Spike. What are you up to today?" she says in a low, quiet tone.
"You know, just picking flowers for Ra-" he stops himself. "S-something."
The butter-colored mare notices you. "Oh, w-who's this?"
"This is Anon. He's new in town."
"Hi." you wave sheepishly as the mare extends a hoof.
"I-I'm Fluttershy. N-nice to meet you." she says barely making eye contact with you.
[Quite the bashful one, aren't ya?]
As you shake her hoof, she fully examines you.
"Wow. I've never met an ape like you before." she says in bewilderment.
[If she wasn't so DAMN adorable, her neck would be snapped by now. And is it me, or does she sound a lot like Pinkie.......if she was ever CALM!]
"He's a human.......whatever that is."
"It's best not to question it. I'm not really a type of animal."
"Hm, that's strange. For a 'non-animal' you do have a lot of fur." she states, pointing at your arms.
She was right. Your arms are looking a bit hairier than they usually are....
Eh, probably needs a little shave here and there. Haven't shaved since you've been here.
"Meh, that's normal for us. Just a little snip and I'll be fine."
You spot a white rabbit in Fluttershy's mane with an impatient look on his face, violently tapping her forehead.
[Pretty aggressive little fuzzball, isn't he?]
"Oh, well I've gotta go. Angel here's a little grumpy when he's hungry. I was just heading to the market for some carrots."
You and Spike see her off as you notice the little hell spawn has his paws crossed like a little brat.
['Angel', my ASS!]
Time passes, your bro found enough flowers he deemed 'fit for a queen' and the two of you re-enter town.
As you reach the square, you find the nutty professor near a fountain tinkering with something silver. "Morning, Doc. What are you working on this time?"
"Oh! Greeting, Anonymous! You're just in time to test my latest invention. I call it the 'Talkie Walkie!' Wanna be the first to give it a go?"
At this point, you wanted to kiss this kooky crumpet, he was THAT brilliant. He made FIVE of these and they're the perfect size. Not too big, nor too small. You and Spike grab one and examine them. Pretty simple for a walkie talkie: one button, two speakers, four remotes. You push the button and all the talkies give a low *chzzt!*
"S-Spike?" you hesitantly say into the talkie and out the others.
"This is SO COOL!" he screams into the talkie.
"I KNOW!" Doc yells in his.
The three of you are shamelessly geeking out in public over a little box. After many minutes of you and Spike testing out Whooves' new gadget, you run into Twilight.
"What are you boys doing today?" she says with a giggle.
The three of you get an idea. After a quick huddle, you hand her a talkie and instructed her to press the button when you all were out of view. You and the guys hide behind a building giggling like a bunch of school fillies, awaiting Twilight's call...
"H-Hello...?" she says in a confused tone.
"Hi, Twi!" "Hello, Twilight!" "Greetings, Miss Sparkle!"
You peek around the corner to see Twilight's stunned expression.
"No....WAY!!!" she squealed in excitement.
"Oh-" "Yes-" WAY!!"
Many questions later...
"And this is what a phone is like." you finish.
"Doctor Whooves, you wouldn't mind if I may keep one, do you?" she begs in crazed anticipation. Like a crack addict. "By all means, Miss Sparkle. I have more than enough materials to create a certain amount at the moment. In fact, all of you can have one."
"Oh, THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!" she squees, flapping her wings.
You're starting to wonder who's the insane one: her or Pinkie. But eventually, something snapped her out of her nerd mode as she gets a look of realization.
"Oh, Anon, we're supposed to see Rarity about your clothes!"
Even you're wondering how you forgot about your battered up clothes while geeking out with the guys. You snap out of your nerd mode and look at your ripped shirt jacket.
"HOLE-y shirt, your right!"
[Screw you and your lame ass puns.]
You say your goodbyes as you, Spike and Twilight make your way to the Carousel Boutique. You notice Spike's still holding those mismatched roses and a nervous look on his face.
As Twilight goes to knock on the boutique's door, Spike pulls you aside, a large blush on his face. "Um, Anon. Could you give these to Rarity for me?"
"S-sure, I guess. But I don't see why I-" By the time you look at him, he was GONE.
The doors open to reveal a marshmallow white unicorn with a curly purple mane. She seemed to be on the more stylish side than any of the other ponies you've met.
"Sorry to bother you, Rarity. I have a friend here who's in need of your stylish type of expertise."
"Oh, don't worry about that Darling. I just finished up on a client's order. Just you wait. I'll have this one looking absolutely fab-"
She finally got a good look at you and your condition.
"Sweet CELESTIA! What is this?! This is a code velvet. CODE VELVET!" she yells in a dramatic tone.
She's practically DRAGGING you inside over to a stand on the verge of having a mental breakdown. She gallops over to a sewing table and pulls out a tape measure.
[Ain't she the drama queen?]
As she's measuring you, you remember the flowers you still have in your hand.
"Pardon me, Miss...?"
"Oh darling, you can just call me Rarity mister-"
"Anon. Spike told me to give you these."
She turns to see the flowers in your hand.
"Awww. Same old Spikey Wikey. Thank you, I'll just put these in a vase."
She walks behind you and places the obviously wilted roses in a small turquoise vase.
As she trots back over to you, something catches her eye.
"Ooh. Um, Twilight? What did you say he was again?"
"A human." Twi states.
"And NOT an ape." you add.
"I've never design an outfit for a 'hyewmun' before. But don't you worry, you'll look DIVINE when I'm done with you! I'll have to work around the tail, though."
[Hopefully, she doesn't want to use me as her model 24/7- wait, WHAT?!]
"Wait, say WHAT?!"
You look behind you to find a fluffy green tail sticking out of your backside.
"Oh, dear GOD! Please don't tell me one of Doc's inventions is turning me into a Were-Rabbit!"
"What is a....were-rabbit?" Twilight questions, pad in hoof.
"Something beyond your comprehension, Twi!"
You frantically pull out your talkie. "Doc, can I ask you something?"
"How may I be of service to you, Anon, ol' chap?"
"Hypothetical question......does one of my side effects include critter transformation?"
"Not that I know of. In my recent studies, 'critter transformation' is doubtfully one of them."
"Oh, alright then." you answer dejectedly.
"Don't worry, Anon. I'll find a spell for this." Twilight states.
"Oh, cheer up Anon. In a few days, you'll have the most stylish clothes in Ponyville." Rarity reassures.
[Yeah, that'll totally help my situation.]
Not wanting to upset a 'lady' horse, you bite your tongue.
"Yeah, I guess. It was nice meeting you, Rarity."
"A pleasure. Oooooh, you are going to look so fabulous, Darling!" she squees, pulling out a needle and thread.
As you and Twilight leave the boutique, you feel a little heat. And not in the fun way. Then you notice something green and fuzzy on your chest.
It's fur.
"This is SO weird!" you groan as your body's itching up a storm.
"I'll check the library for spells like this. You'll be back to your bare self in no time."
Something about that statement just rubs you the wrong way.
It's nighttime, this 'Luna' gal's moon is shining bright as usual. You two make it to the castle where you're greeted by Toothless Jr.
"Hey guys. Were you able to-"
He sees your hairy green chest.
"I KNEW it wasn't a 'hypothetical' question!"
"How'd you heard?"
Spike pulls out his talkie, claw on his hip.
"Point taken..."
Then, in a millisecond, a Sharknado of itchiness overwhelms you and you find yourself scratching your head like a dog. You stop and analyze your position.
"That.......is........impossible. Hnnh! But effective!" you groan, rubbing your head with your foot. That DAMNED shoe is interfering with your salvation. You yank those suckers off.
"AH!"
"AH!"
"AH!"
"AH!"
"WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?!"
"P-PAWS! I HAVE PAWS!"
Your practically rolling in the fetal position on the floor like you've watched FoodFight.....
*shudders*
"Ok, ok! Alright. Let's just all calm down." Twily instructs. "Anon, go get some rest. I'll worry about this."
A million questions resurfaced.
[Where's Gromit when you need him?! Do I have fleas? Is Equestria home of the furries? Who's responsible? Why am I turned on so suddenly? When will Transformers end? Damn, why is this itchy as hell?!?!]
You're scratching every inch of your body as you travel the castle to your room.
"Heh. I know THAT feeling." Spike jokes.
While you're reaching your goal, the itching, although still present, progressively subsides as you enter your bedroom. You faceplant on your pillow awaiting the end of this nightmare.
The next day, you wake up to pitch black darkness. You're sweating intensely and something large is suffocating you. After some clashing and thrashing, you find yourself out of bed. You struggle to catch your breath as you noticed that maybe Whooves has slipped you some Ant-Man technology because the room is FIVE times larger than you. You trip over your feet towards a mirror.
"..."
Yep....
You're a bucking rabbit.
You waddle to the door, slamming face first into it.
"Not gonna get used to that. I know for a FACT."
The doorknob's too high, so you jump...
*SLAM* "DANG IT!!!"
And Mario your way into a near concussion with the ceiling and plummet to the floor. As you compose yourself, you hear foot/hoofsteps quickly approaching your room. The door swings open, knocking your fluffy rear under the bed.
"Anon, Are you alright?!"
You crawl from under the bed into view.
"NO! I AM NOT OKAY! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY!"
Spike's eyes widen at your appearance.
"What happened to ya, bro?!"
"I don't know, bro!"
"BRO!"
"BROOO!!!"
[Is it me, or does Spike kinda sounds like a woman pretending to sound a guy when he scream?] *wink* *wink*
"Alright. Alright, before we have another Scream fest, let's just find Twilight. Maybe she found a solution."
"Okay. Let's do this."
As you and Spike walk towards the library, something crosses you mind.
"Before we go c-can you get me a carrot or something?" you say giving him.......'the eyes'.
"Mmmm. D'oh alright!" he groans walking into the kitchen. "Not fair."
[Heh, works every time.]
You make it to the library to find a sleeping Twilight, head under a mountain of books. You climb her desk and observe her resting area.
[She looks so peaceful...]
"WAKE UP, EGGHEAD!!!"
"AH! I-I'm up! A-Answer's pegasus feathers!" she stutters, sending the books flying in all directions. She looks at you in confusion.
"Oh, hello little one. How did you get in here?"
"I took that wrong turn at Albuquerque." you joke.
"AH!" she shrieks before examining you. "A-Anon?"
"In the fur."
"Why is this happening?!"
"I don't know, that's why I'm here! Have you found the cure yet?!"
Twilight cringes.
"I may have kinda...sorta...lost it..."
"WHAT?!"
"I did read it, but I......accidentally read the wrong incantation." she says with a sheepish smile.
"Then what incantation did you recite?"
[First off, why'd she read it aloud in the first place?! If she used the right spell, she'd at LEAST have YOU in the same room!]
"Teleportation spell. Go-Awayus Forevera."
Your sitting there, struggling to keep Anger away from the controls.
[Can I say that curse word now?"]
"I'm REALLY sorry, Anon." she says as she rubs your back.
[Pet me again, you WILL be sorr- oh, that feels good.]
"I-It's fine." you sigh. "I'm just trying to figure out HOW this all started. Things haven't started going crazy ever since that night Starlight-"
*CLONK*
It finally clicks. Twilight seemed to have caught on as well. That little temptress signed you up for Fur Affinity....
You storm out of the library with murderous intent.
As you hop down the hallway, you soon bump into Spike. "Hey, Anon. I got the-"
You snatch the carrot from his claws and swallow it whole.
"Sheesh. What's up with him?"
"Starlight's responsible for Anon's HARE-raising dilemma." Egghead giggles.
You stop in your tracks and give the cheeky alicorn the deadliest death glare in history before continuing your adowably pwecious storming, contemplating your next form of action.
[First, I'm gonna shave her and make glue out of the remains. Then, I'll use her horn as a toothpick! And THEN, I'll hump her leg for a while! Wait, wha...? GOD, I got to get out of this body.]
You enter Starlight's room......after Twi and Spy caught up with you to open the door, and find her writing in a HUGE book.
"Morning Twilight, Spike." the unicorn greets warmly. "Oh, whose this one belong to?"
You're so pissed, you make an Angry Bird look calm. You hop on the desk, eye level with her.
"A unicorn who's got a LOT of fixing to do." you grunt arms crossed.
Startled, Starlight flinches and falls on her flank.
"A-Anon?! What happened to you? And how'd you get so...fluffy?"
You spot a mirror on the desk and present it in front of her.
"I don't know. Let's ask HER."
"What did I d-" she stops, processing this.
Processing...processing...processing...COMPLETE.
Her pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks.
"Oooh boy...that ain't good." she winces. "I'm so sorry, Anon! I'll fix this! One reversal spell coming right-" she cuts herself off, eyes widen.
Equestria must be known for their rape faces because Starlight gives you the largest, cheesiest grin ever. Twilight's wasn't THAT creepy when you met her.
Feeling a little uneasy, you slowly back up. As you begin to take off and jump, a light-blue aura engulfs your entire body, levitating you.
[I do NOT like where this is going.]
"I've got this covered Twilight." she assures, smile still plastered on her face. Twilight nods and leaves the room with Spike.
Suddenly, you find yourself being pulled towards the possible fetishist. Reacting on instinct, you grab the edge of the table for dear life......and possibly virginity!
"U-Uh, Twilight?" you utter. "S-Spike?!" They're obviously ignoring you.
You soon begin to lose your grip. Twi and Spy close the door behind them.
"TWILIGHT!!!"
You're panicking at this point until you're face to face with the crazed mare.
"So, let me get this straight: you needed a rabbit for this 'Trixie' friend of yours-"
"Yep."
"Completely stressed out about it-"
"Eeyup."
"WHILE you haphazardly shot me-"
"Uh huh."
"Which is why I'm a shrimpy furball-"
"That's about right, yeah."
"And you'll turn me back to normal ONLY if I perform for some magic show?!"
"Right on the money."
"...eh, seems legit."
[If you're a PSYCHO......or Pinkie.]
You and your manipulative pony friend are walking along a dirt path 'negotiating' terms. Well, Starlight is. Your lazy ass is riding her back. Hopping gets nauseating after awhile.
"I'm just wondering, why you didn't go to Fluttershy for thi-" you stop yourself. "Oh, right-"
"It's Fluttershy." Star adds.
[I wouldn't really care. That rabbit was a jackass.]
"Might I ask WHERE this'll take place?"
"There."
You sit up to view the playing field. What you find is a magnificent castle-like structure, pools of crystal clear water surrounding the area. You spot a few dragons and pegasi fly overhead.
"Wow. What is this place?"
"This," she pauses for dramatic effect. "is the school of friendship!"
"It's so majestic."
[And yet so cheesily named.]
As you reach the school, you notice a herd of yaks chasing after a red ball together.
[They move in herds. They DO move in herds.]
"So, this school.....do you guys.......friendship really hard?"
"Heh, something like that." she giggles. "We teach creatures, including ponies, the importance of friendship here like yaks, griffons, dragons, changelings and hippogriffs."
"That is awe....wait, hippo-wha?"
"It's a long story."
"I've got time."
Starlight gives you a playful pout.
"Alright, Anon. You have been warned, though."
[Drama is not your strong suit, pony lady.]
"And that's when we reopened the school and...here we are now." Starlight finishes.
"That must've been crazy."
"It WAS."
[Well, I guess I'll have to mark off 'No Racists' on my 'Everything Great About This Place' list.]
You're on the edge of your horseback seat, listening to the alleged "long story" while exploring the school's halls and you are surprisingly into it.
"You ponies never catch a break, do ya?"
"Oh, you have NO idea!"
"But it still sounds like you all still have a good time."
As Starlight continues, you spot a group of various creatures hanging out.
"Yeah, it's always fun to spend time with friends, ya know?"
Your mind goes blank. Everything flashes and you find yourself against a brick wall, with a black eye and your stomach hurting like crazy. You remember people throw dodgeballs at you and mocking you until one ball hits you square in the face, snapping you out of your vision.
"Y-Yeah...friends..." you utter.
Starlight catches your tone. "Anon, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I...I-I was just thinking."
"About what?"
[Dude, don't cry. Don't you DARE cry!]
"I didn't...d-didn't have any..."
[Oh man, what's that on my cheek?!]
"F-Friends." you continue. "I was always the odd one out. Most of my life, I've been bullied, mocked, harrassed. I don't think I've ever made a friend OUTSIDE my family."
[Thank God this fur is absorbent.]
Starlight stops in her tracks. A light blue aura of magic surrounds you as you're lifted off the unicorn's back, and up to eye level with her. She then rubs your belly.
"Hm. Well, you have one now." she exclaims reassuringly.
A large smile grows across your face. That statement alone gave you a warm, fuzzy feeling. No pun intended.
Kind of...
Still inches away from your friend's face you get an idea.
[I-I just GOTTA do it. I've got to!]
You place one paw on Starlight's cheek and with the other, you lean in closer...
"Boop."
You booped her.
Within a few silent seconds, she bursts into laughter. "Hoo, Anon you're so cute."
"No, YOU'RE the cute one."
She smiles.
"T-That was supposed to be an insult." you huff, crossing your arms.
Her giggles reignite as she plops you on her back and continues her walk.
"Say what you will, you'll still be adorable."
"Hey, thanks, Star. I needed to hear that."
"Anytime......pal."
The two of you laugh and joke around as you move on. Soon, you run into a group of students, one each a different creature.
"Hello, students. How's your day going?"
The kids' annoyed expressions said it all. Starlight seemed to understand the problem.
"Friendship test?"
They nod their heads in unison.
"I thought so."
[Doesn't sound THAT hard.]
One of the students, an arctic-blue, bug-eyed......bugpony notices you.
"Miss Glimmer, you didn't tell us you had a pet." she coos.
[Is it weird that I'm turned on by that assumption?]
You climb to the top of Starlight's mane and cross your arms.
"Who you callin' a pet?"
The rest of the students jolt back in surprise.
[With ALL these talking creatures, how's it weird that woodland critters can talk?]
Out of all of them, a...hipp-o-griff you guess, is the most surprised.
"That...is...incredible!" she squees. "A talking rabbit! What'll they think of next?!"
[Pinkie 2.0 I assume?]
"Yona not impressed." the yak grunts. "Do something cool."
*TWANG*
Oops, your ego snapped.
You waddle under the judgy yak and lift her up off the ground. The students seemed pretty shocked. They wanted more. You toss the now giggling yak and flip her on her back. With one little paw, you spin her about like a basketball.
[Welcome to the JAM, biyatch!]
You halt your spin and place the dizzy yak on her hooves.
"So...?" you ask with a cocky grin.
"Yona take back what yak said." Yona says, regaining her balance. "Green rabbit AWESOME!"
[Like...a freaking...boss.]
"Yeah, that's cool...for a rabbit." the dragon said nonchalantly, although you knew she dug it.
You hold out your paws. "You wanna go for a spin?"
Her pupils shrink. "I-I'm good."
You hop back on Starlight's horn and point ahead.
"Yah, mule! MUSH!"
"Try me." Star grunts.
"O-Or...not. Sorry, I had to."
"Anyway. Good luck on the test, children."
"Psst! The answer's always 'B'!" you whisper.
"Anon!"
"I regret nothing!" you exclaim, raising your arms high.
You and Starlight reach an outdoor area inside the school...
Okay that sounds a little backwards.
Anyways, as you approach a large tree at the center, you hear something familiar.
See our friends, see the sights-
"Feel alright." you hum to yourself.
[Wait, what?!]
Someone's playing your jams!
"Um, Starlight, can you excuse me for a moment?"
"Oh, sure. Just meet me by the-"
*WHOOSH*
You off like a gunshot down the hall.
"-tree.."
Using your enhanced senses, i.e. your big ass ears, you locate your player.
Soon, you find the source of the music: Twilight's office.
You knock on the door.
No answer...
You knock again. All you hear is your music being enjoyed without you.
"Urgh! These headphones aren't built for this kinda head size!"
You are currently pulling your player towards the big tree while trying to listen to the 'Awesome Mix'. But your large-as-hell ears AREN'T helping at all.
"I swear Starlight, you owe me BIG time!"
You spot your pink pony pal talking with a pale blue unicorn with a purple magician's outfit. As you approach them, toothpaste mane notices you.
"AH, there's the fluffy companion of 'The Great and Powerful Trixie'!"
"Go on. Show her what you can do."
She gestures towards Trixie's cart full of heavy magic junk. You hop over to it and find an assortment of items.
[Let's see here: a cannon, two magician hats, smoke bombs, bottle of cider, glowsticks- OH SHIT, FIREWORKS?!]
Your getting off track.
"...you know what? Buck it."
You decide to just wing it...
By lifting the entire cart.
The shocked and titilated Trixie's jaw was low and eyes wide while Starlight's fighting back laughter. You add awesome points to your feat by spinning it.
+10 AP
You finish your trick and gently place the-
*SLAM*
Nevermind. And waddle from under the cart towards the astounded mares.
Trixie picks you up.
"AMAZING!!! Better than any other rabbit I've seen here!"
"Glad to know." you say.
"Aah!"
The startled magician drops you and covers her mouth.
"He talks too?!"
"Well, my mouth's moving and words are coming out."
Starlight suddenly bursts into laughter. Trixie looks TWICE as shocked now.
Some time later, you and Trixie continue performing trick after trick. You laughed, you joked, and most importantly, you JAMMED. Trixie seemed to get a kick out of your music too.
Starlight had to take her leave, apparently she's a guidance counselor at the school. Anyway, the two of you break, since everyone in the school is.
[Mm, daisy sandwiches aren't as throat-punishing as I expected.]
You're eating lunch with Trixie under the tree. Out of nowhere, she rubs your head.
"Uh, Trixie...w-what're you d-doing?"
"I'm sorry Anon, you're just so flipping adorable!"
"I told you before, I'm not an actual rabbi-"
[OOOOH God, she's found the spot. She'sfoundthespotfoundthespot!]
Her hoof is rubbing the back of your left ear. Your foot is tapping the ground fast.
"I know. You're a 'hyewmun'. Who's a good hyewmun? Who's a good hyewmun?"
"I-I-I am!"
"That's right!"
[Call me 'Thumper'!]
You're on your back now, stomach untouched.
Not anymore.
"This should be weird on SO many levels, but I DON'T CARE!!!"
This goes on for a minute or so until you both hear a familiar quiet voice.
"I see you found a bunny for the show, Trixie."
You snap out of your, shall we say...state of mind, and see Fluttershy with a group of students.
[HOOF BLOCKERS!!!]
"Of course! The Great and Powerful Trixie is loved by ALL bunnies!"
'Angel', who's once again in Fluttershy's mane, sticks his tongue at her.
Trixie frowns dejectedly.
You get off your back and hug Trixie's foreleg.
"Don't worry. I LIKE you, G.A.P.T."
Angel, the students and especially Fluttershy, are completely dumbfounded. Trixie, on the other hoof, smiles and pats your back.
"A-A TALKING bunny?!"
She zips right up to you faster than Dash ever could and lifts you up.
[Aw, she's so adorable when she's hyped.]
Looking at Angel, you can practically SMELL the saltiness.
"Fluttershy, it's me, Anon. Remember, human? We met two days ago? In the flower patch? I was with Spike?"
Her expressions range from confusion, to disappointment, to concern.
"A-Anon? What happened to you?"
"Long story short, Starlight turned me into a furry and promised to change me back after the show."
"That's Starlight for ya." Trixie jokes.
"Anyway, what are you up to?"
"Oh, we were just taking the students on a little nature walk."
"Cool. Well, we've got a show to put together-"
"U-Um, Anon, before you go, c-can I...?"
"Ugh, fine. Back only."
You turn around and she rubs your back...as slow...as bucking...POSSIBLE.
"Uh, Fluttershy?"
"Eep, s-sorry! Come along, class." she squeaks as she trots down the path blushing HARD.
[Ooookay, that was...weird.]
You hop back over to the tree where Trixie's finishing her lunch. You sit down next to her until-
*ZAP*
"Ow!" "Ow!"
You hear a crackling sound coming from your paws.
"What was that?"
A sly grin takes over your face. You reach over Trixie and-
*ZAP*
"Ouch! Stop it." she laughs.
*ZAP* She pokes you.
"Ow. I just thought it'd be FUNNY."
*ZAP* "Ouch."
*ZAP* "Ow."
*ZAP* "Ouch."
*ZAP* "Yowzer!"
*ZAP* "Ouchie!"
"I can't feel *ZZZ* a thing, can you?" you ask.
"No *ZZZ*." Trixie responds.
The both of you look like Chuzzles right now. Break has been LONG over and you zapped each other to immobilization. You rock back and forth until you topple over, roll down the hill and bump into Trixie's wagon. All at once, sparks and fireworks go off around it.
Soon, Trixie comes colliding with you too.
The wagon's windows opens as it almost falls over. When it readjusts itself, a stray firework falls out of the cart...
And right in between you two.
"Do you smell cake candles?"
You and Trixie look down at the lit firework.
[Well...we're boned. Also, I'm no genius, but I don't think that's how static electricity works but...rainbow colored horses...really, who gives a shit?]
"Ah, horseapples!"
Both of you struggle to shake off the static as the rocket goes off into the distance.
"Huh. That wasn't so bad."
In a cruel twist of fate, the firework comes flying right back.
[I really need to learn to keep my freaking mouth shut!]
As the rogue rocket gets closer, you notice Trixie's still stuck in place. Without hesitation, you jump in front of her in a crane kick position.
"Bunny powers......ACTIVATE!"
You brace yourself as the rocket draws near when everything flashes again. The firework morphs in the form of a......tennis ball?
Then it suddenly dawned on you.
With lightning speed, you kick the ball in the air. Reality returns to you as you watch the rocket explode in the sky. You look over to a stunned Trixie whose static fur begins to let up.
"You okay?" you ask.
"Y-Yea- Of course! Silly Anonymous. A mere firework cannot frighten the Great and Powerful Tri- AH!!!"
Burnt remains of the rocket land a few inches next to her.
"Is that so, eh?"
She pouts at your remark.
"Now THAT was cute."
"Oh, hush! You don't- h-heyyyy..."
You scratch behind Trixie's ear.
"Now you HAVE to admit that feels great."
"N-No, I just h-had to...a l-little lower."
"I thought I'd return the favor, ya know?"
"Yeah. Hey, where'd you learn to do moves like that?"
It's bouncing around in your head, on the tippy top tip of your tongue.
"I think I took self-defense classes back where I'm from......y-yeah I remember, I was easy pickin's for bullies. My grandfather taught me with tennis balls. Guess I wasn't capable of making friends there."
"Mmm, well you got MY vote! Mess up my mane Anon, and I'll turn you into toad."
"Anything for the G.A.P. Trixie." you snicker.
After many hours of tricks, snacks and petting, school ends and the students leave for home. You and Trixie pack up a few things until Starlight approaches.
"How's the show coming along?"
"Going great! Anon and I had a great time!"
"There...may have been some petting involved."
Starlight gave you a look of utter betrayal.
"I'm SORRY!!! B-But she was the one with all the moves!" you playfully accuse.
"Oh you know you loved it!"
"No 'buts'. No belly rubs til after the show!"
"NOOO!"
There's a brief moment of silence until the three of you burst into laughter over this staged confrontation.
You and Starlight are setting things up for the show tonight while Trixie's backstage, "getting into the magical zone". As you dig through the pile of show props, pyrotechnics and more, you feel something wooden near the bottom:
"A guitar?! I played this thing for years!"
You pick up the instrument and use your bushy tail as a seat. As you prepare to play, you find a...tiny issue.
"Uh, Starlight?"
"Not now, I have to organize these banners. Trixie has a fit without them!"
[Go go Gadget, Eyes!]
"Fine!" Star groans.
Starlight's horn lights up as the guitar shrinks to your size.
You pull a string with a low STRUM. "Gawd, I miss that sound."
You sit in the middle of the stage, strap the guitar on and pick at a few strings until you tuned it right.
Something bright catches your eye. You look down to find the palms of your hands glowing light blue.
[Woah! How am I...?]
Suddenly, something big blocks the spotlight from you:
It's the banners.
You continue playing and you notice Trixie stepping out in her magician's outfit. "So, how are the-"
Her jaw hits the floor.
The banners glide in circles above your head like a flock of vultures. You play a little faster as they fold into a form hawks, à la origami style.
[Badass levels increasing...it's over 9000!!!]
As the banners soar across the stage, the light glows brighter. Soon, various instruments join in and soon, you finish your sick lick with a final strum. All at once, a blue sonic wave bursts from the guitar and across the bleachers. An enormous transparent whale leaps out of the wave. It bellows and sprays water as it dissipates in the seats. The banners are snapped back towards their proper place and everything in your music mojo's grasp descends.
The sound of hooves clapping breaks the silence. You turn to your two clapping audience members, tears in their eyes.
"T-That was-" Starlight stutters.
"Magical..."Trixie sniffles. "E-Er, but not POWERFUL enough. However, the Great and Generous Trixie MAY have a spot open in the show."
You strike a cord, sending a wave hurling towards Trixie. It pushes her against the stage walls, hard. "Powerful 'nuff now?"
Trixie shakily nods. "Y-Yeah." she gulps.
"Enchanted guitar, NICE."
The time has come. The staff, the students and creatures of all ages have filled the seats. You didn't expect EVERYone to show up.
"Alright! Let's get out there and-"
Trixie backs up behind the curtain.
"Woah, Trixie! What's wrong?!"
"S-So m-many..."
[Aw, HELL naw! You ain't pussing out on me now!]
You grab her face and stare daggers at her. "Trixie, what's the matter? I thought you had no problem with stage fright."
"I don't, b-but I've never had a crowd this.......B-BIG!"
"Who are you?"
"I-I don't know if I can-"
"SILENCE!!!"
DOINK! You flick her muzzle.
"Who...are...you?!"
"I-I'm...Trixie."
"Who's great?"
"I am."
"Who's powerful?!"
"I AM!!!"
[That was a fast mood change! Maybe...]
"And who's gonna give me rubs later?!"
"NOPONYYYYY!!!"
"Crap!"
[Well, at least I tried.]
Starlight snickers in the background.
"You have opened the naive and foolish side of Trixie's eyes, dear Anonymous! The audience is the LAST thing I should fear! I live to 'WOW'! Let's do this, everypony!"
The relieved and reinvigorated Trixie adjusts her hat and smoke bombs out.
"Cool, yet chokingly efficient!" you cough.
"Meh, you get used to it after a while." Starlight shrugs.
"I'll-COUGH, take your word for it."
Starlight chuckles. "That was a nice thing you did with Trixie."
You waddle over and hug the unicorn's forehoof.
"Anything for my friends......that I just met."
"Hehe, it happens."
Suddenly the stagelights go dark. A single spotlight shines center stage.
Trixie puts a black top hat on your head and once again punishes your lungs with a smoke bomb. She appears in the spotlight and gives out an overdramatic introduction.
As she continues, you get an idea.
An awful idea...
A wonderfully awful idea.
"Starlight, a little assistance?"
"For I, the Great and Powerful Trixie can perform feats of extraordinary magnitude!"
Trixie levitates her hat and reaches in it.
Nothing...
She reaches deeper.
Still nothing. Trixie pokes her head in.
"Anon, that's your cue!" she hisses.
*STRUM*
Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of origami birds come flying through Trixie's hat, knocking her on her flank. A few "oohs" and "ahs" can be heard in the crowd. All the birds perch on the spotlights, awaiting your command. You smugly hop into the audience's vision, guitar in paw.
"Yo Trixie, what the FLOCK happened to you?"
The crowd is roaring in laughter.
In the middle of the audience, you spot Spike, Twilight and the rest cheering you on.
Trixie's mane is a frazzled mess.
[Oh SHIT, the mane!!!]
But then, the unthinkable happens:
She laughs.
"Good one, Anon."
You grab your stomach in pain. "Urgh, Trixie? I don't feel so fresh."
[They don't know the true meaning of that phrase so I'm in the clear.]
"I LOVE this bit." she whispers. "Don't worry, Anonymous! Let's see the problem!"
Judging by the uninterested expressions on the crowd's faces, this must be the oldest, predictable trick in the book.
You decide to SPICE things up.
[Sorry about this, Trixie.]
*CRACK*
"Eep!"
In a split second, you whip her muzzle with the handkerchief gag like a frog tongue.
"Well...found the problem." the magician giggles sheepishly. "Anon, what are you doing?""
"Improvising."
*CRACK*
"Ow!"
You continue chasing and whipping her body around the stage. The audience can't get enough of this act. Twilight, out of all the others, was having the time of her life. Pinkie was TAME compared to her. Starlight, however, is busting a gut backstage.
"Ouch! Cut that- OUCH! This isn't funny."
The laughter dies down as you swallow the remaining napkins.
"You're right, you're right.....THIS IS!"
You pull out the black top hat and reach into it. Trixie's hat practically SWALLOWS her head and pops out of your hat.
"Ta-da!"
Claps and cheers fill the air as you slyly grin at your annoyed partner. "Hmm, looks like the tables have turned."
[Canned laugh track]
Trixie yanks her hat off and stares you down.
"Sheesh, Trixie! You need to calm down. I heard from a certain pink pony," you state, noticing a pink dot jumping in the audience, with a "THAT'S ME!!!" being yelled out. "That music's very relaxing. Here. Let me give it a SPIN."
You pull out your guitar and play a lick. The perched paper pigeons swoop down and literally fly circles around her. As you continue playing along, the birds ascend in the sky, until they all form a pair of giant wings around Trixie.
Everyone, especially Trixie, was enthralled by your work. As the wings glide the merry magician across the stage, everything changed...
*TWANG*
When a chord snapped.
The paper wings turn back into ordinary sheets and Trixie plummets. The anticipating crowd are at the edge of their seats. You spot her hat lying in the middle of the stage. Tossing your top hat to the side, you dive for it as Trixie lands inside and jumps right back out the top hat, and into your paws.
Everyone is dead silent...
Then you hear a familiar, raspy voice in the distance. "So.........AWESOME!!!"
A cacophony of applause breaks the silence. Ponies and yaks stomping, dragons, griffons and hippogriffs doing aerial somersaults. You felt like a total badass right now. You set a recovering Trixie down on her hooves and hop center stage. Suddenly, a voice can be heard chanting your name.
"Anon! Anon, Anon-"
Soon, everyone was chanting your name.
[So this is what it feels like...?
Feels nice.]
You turn to see a shaken Trixie.
[But I wouldn't be here without...]
"Trixie! Trixie, Trixie, Trixie!" you repeat as you lift the magician's hoof high.
The audience then shifts to chanting Trixie's name.
You see a smile wiggling it's way onto her face and a tear in her eye as she faces the crowd.
"T-This f-feels..."
"Nice?" you add.
"Y-Yes......i-it does."
"I figured." you joke.
"W-We did it, Anon."
"It's not over yet!"
You pull out your player and a microphone and play the first thing on.
Once again, out of EVERYONE in the crowd, Twilight and Spike are the ones most into it.
No doubt they heard this too.
Anyway it's time to show everyone what you can do. As you, Trixie and the audience get your groove on, you see Starlight, horn glowing bright.
From the look of it, her eyes are squinting.
Almost like she's aiming...
[Uh oh...]
Without warning, a blinding turquoise beam engulfs you. As the beam disappears, everything suddenly feels drafty.
Scattered oohs and whistles can be heard and you notice a dancing Trixie's close to HALF your size. Your guitar seemed to have grown a bit too.
[What sorcery is this?]
Then you look down.
"I'm...I'm human again! Aaaaand completely naked."
Trixie sees you and jumps in surprise.
"A-Anon? Is that you?"
Your face is redder than a tomato.
You feel like Carrie right now.
This might be the most embarrassing moment of your life. And yet...
Everyone's still cheering.
Sure, there were the occasional wolf whistle here and there, but it seems they're completely unfazed by your exposed anatomy.
Well.......except for your obsessed aquamarine colored friend with the hand fetish in the audience.
Her eyes were WIDE. It's strange, you see that mare in almost EVERY crowd you face and you swear you see two of her.
With the smallest slither of courage you have in yourself, you pick up the microphone.
You decide to make something perfectly, delicately clear:
"I'm Anon, you've been a great audience and I'm not a bucking APE. Mwah, good night everybody!"
You drop the mic and run backstage.
The crowd's uproarious cheers grow louder. As soon as you're inside, you bolt it for Trixie's disappearing box.
Moments later, you hear a group of hooves approach the box.
"Anon? Where'd you go?"
You poke your hand out of the box and snap loudly for their attention.
"What are ya doin' in there, sugarcube?" a familiar southern accent asks.
"Oh, no reason. I'm just NAKED, that's all." you state calmly.
"Hehe, but we're always naked here, silly! There's nothing to worry about." your sugar-fueled nightmare states.
"It's awkward for humans, alright!"
You should've known, to be honest. As little clothing these little pones wear, it's a no-brainer.
"No need to worry, Darling. I've got your new outfits right here." a sophisticated voice states.
You've been WAITING for that voice for SO long.
You open a crack in the door and reach out. A white collared shirt jacket and a pair of black pants are levitated into your hand. After a few minutes of struggling in a tight box, you manage to equip your gear and walk out where your pony/dragon friends greet you.
"So.......how was I?"
"So.......AWESOME!!! Y-You know, for a human." Rainbow adds.
Grabbing your mini guitar, you strum one cord. Suddenly, all paperbirds fly in and perch around above, surrounding the pegasus. You prepare your hands, threatening to unleash months of intense papercuts.
"Don't underestimate him. He WILL do it." Starlight informs.
"And YOU!" you yell, stomping towards her. "How DARE you take my rubs away?!"
"Oh, come on! Stop being a baby, they can't be THAT go-"
You interrupt her with a scratch behind the ears.
"You were saying?"
"P-Please forgive me. Don't take my scratches away!" she playfully begs with you.
"Don't 'please' me! No ELO or rubs for a week!"
"NOOOOO!!!"
Everything goes silent before everyone bursts into laughter.
"Wait, you're serious?"
Chuckling at her remark, you rub Starlight's back as you and the others watch Trixie's encore together.
You're back to your adequately attractive self and everything's normal...well, in the levels of talking horses, that is.
You wake up to being beaten in the eyes by the friggin' sun.
"Man, that after party Pinkie threw was SO insane."
As you get out of bed, you spot the normal-sized guitar from the show at the foot of your bed.
There's a note:
"For giving the most MAGICAL performance ever."
~The Great and Powerful Trixie
Strapping the instrument on, you see the string that snapped had been repaired.
Your Bro List has increased.
"Anonymous? Are you there old chap?"
"Hear ya loud and clear, Doc. What's the sitch?"
[I can't believe I said that.]
"Not much, to be honest. Just stop by the lab when you get a chance. I've something that might interest you."
"Oh, sure. I'm- BUURRP, currently recovering from last night's party as you can tell."
"Ugh. Me too!" Spike adds.
"Me- URRP, threeee!" Twilight groans.
"Anyways, see ya soon, DW."
"Until then. Whooves out!"
"H-Hey, Anon?"
"Y-Yeah, Twi?"
"Last night, Miss Cheerilee asked if you could stop by the schoolhouse later today to talk about human history to the children. Think you could manage?"
"Yeah, sure. Let me guess, you'll be there taking notes?"
"Of- HIC, course! No stomach of mine is gonna stop m-"
You hear a low growling sound on the talkie.
"Sounds like you need a soda."
"A wha-?"
That slurred assortment of words shook your world.
"Y-you don't know what a soda is?"
"I-I know BAKING- HIC, soda."
Time is dead and meaning has no meaning.
[No...with all these things they've crafted for centuries, NOPONY thought to invent carbonation?!]
As you jump out of bed, you trip over you pack and hear something clink inside it. While searching through it's contents, you feel something sturdy and cold.
God has answered your prayers in the form of Radi-Cola (TM), the best beverage in the world.
"Yes!"
"What- BELCH, is it?"
You zoom through the hallways, grab your bro in distress and burst through the library where, of course, Twilight's hungover body lies...
So is Starlight's....
And the rest of the six.
"Raise your hoof if you tried Pinkie's 'new' cake."
Everypony in the room raises their hoof, heads motionless.
"I thought so."
You hold your Dragon bro in your arms like a baby and give him a taste of the sweet nectar. A rumble and a groan later, Spike burps a beam of green fire in the air, startling everypony.
"Whoa! What's IN that stuff? That is good!" Spike eagerly asks.
"I don't know. The ONLY one left in Equestria. Maybe Doc can create more from a sample or something."
You look at all the suffering mares who're giving you pleading eyes.
[If I ever have enough left by then.]
"Oooohh, this is bad. Thisisbadthisisbadthisisbad!"
You're hauling ass through the streets of Ponyville frantically searching for Whooves' place, freaking out like a bomb is glued to your hands.
Except the bomb is a leaking soda bottle slowly losing its juices.
You barge into Doc's place and down to his Tinkering Room and place the cracked savior on the tinker table like a dying dog at the vet.
"Oh, glad you could make it Anon-"
"Can you save her Doc?"
"T-This bottle, old chap?"
"No, the drink!"
Whooves sees the situation as urgent and trots off to grab a cup to scoop the remains.
Later......
"So doc, how is it?" you ask hopefully.
"Oh relax, dear fellow it's fine. I've studied the contents of the beverage and am able to replicate it."
In a flash, you grab your talkie. "The Radi-Cola will live on!"
Soon the sound of 'yays', 'woohoos' and 'OMC, it hurts' are heard on the talkie.
"Alrighty, then. Since you're already here, care to see what I have in store for you?" Doc gleefully requests.
"Show me whatcha got."
Whooves walks towards a curtain and unveils a pair of metal boots.
"A pair of......boots?"
"Not just ANY boots. Go ahead, try them on!" he says in anticipation.
Thank heavens he got your shoe size right or else this'd be pointless.
[A little heavy, but it'll do.]
"Ok. So far, so good. Hasn't exploded yet-"
"I'm sorry, WHAT?!"
"Nothing, nothing. Just click your heels-"
"Three times?"
"Once. Only once, Anon. Three times would be a tad time-consuming, I must say."
[Still doesn't make this sickeningly whimsical world any less sickening.]
*CLICK* *FWOOM*
A split second later, and you are a few feet off the ground.
[HOLY SHITKNOCKERS!!!]
"When did THIS come to mind?!"
"From this here comic you dropped awhile back. It's very interesting."
You land and examine the comic.
The old abandoned clocktower gears of your brain turn. Soon it all made sense.
The raccoon plushy, the old player, nostalgic songs, the toy gun...
You were a MAJOR Guardians fan.
"I.......I-I remember this! This was my favorite superhero team of all friggin' time! And you recreated some the best things from it?!"
"Tish tosh." Whooves brushes off. "Don't sweat it, just being a good friend."
"Doc, you're amazing. Now let's test these babies out!"
After some crashing and bashing, you finally get the hang of it.
One goof-off montage later...
It's near noon and you remember have a history lesson to teach.
You take your leave and, thanks to the boots, were able to locate the schoolhouse. The young ones are playing at recess. As you land, a red ball hurling towards you. Acting on reflex you bicycle kick it against a tree.
It comes flying back.
You leap and karate kick it again, sending it bounces off the school bell and onto your finger, basketball-style. The children are watching you in awe and you could've swore you heard a shrimpy colt with a British accent yelling 'GOAL' once.
Suddenly, Cheerilee exits the building. "Now what is all the racket out here?" she asks, noticing you kicking the ball around like it's Early Man.
"Oh! Good afternoon, Anonymous. Twilight and I were expecting you."
[Of COURSE Twilight shows up before me! Now that I think about it...I barely know about human history! Twilight already knew I have amnesia!]
"Okay, class! Mr. Anon here will be telling us about 'hyewmun' history."
The students eagerly scurry into the schoolhouse, forcing you in there too.
Inside you spot Starlight, Spike and Twilight, the latter holding the dreaded notepad and quill.
[Damn you, Sparkle...]
Before you can protest, the whole class is staring at you in anticipation. The spotlight is on you.
"W-Well......you see-"
*DING*
[Liiiiiightbulb.]
"Go on, Mr. Anon." Cheerilee whispers.
A cheesy grin forms on your face. You clear your throat and begin your tale.
"Well, children, it all started when a terrible force had surfaced. An insidious evil known as.........Michael Bay."
And there you were, telling the incredible 'TRUE' story of the human race.
"And he reveals he was his father all along."
Well......loosely true.
"Turns out, his mother's name is Martha too!"
LOOSELY, loosely based.
"And then Jabba the Hutt was all 'Oh no he's too awesome, dude!' So then, 80 Jedi showed up. I took out about 67 of 'em!"
Maybe a little too loose.
"Then the Joker teams up with Sauron, Godzilla and the Gremlins when they found a glitch in the Matrix."
Okay, NOW you're just not even trying!
"And that's how the Civil War came to an end." you conclude. "Now, the Infinity War on the other hand, is a different story."
"Ah just have ONE question." a yellow filly with a thick Southern accent asks.
[AH CRAP!!! They caught on! I'm SO screwed!]
"Shoot."
"Why didn't they just stop and talked it out instead of foolishly fightin'?"
[Oooor not.]
"That's what I've been saying for years." you chuckle.
"Besides, Cap's side woulda TOTALLY won!" an orange pegasus filly added.
"I'd say Stark's side was the superior faction. Black Panther was on their side!" A white unicorn filly states.
"Spider-Man sounds the COOLEST!"
"NO, Howard the Duck is!"
"Are you CRAZY?!?!"
As the children have a heated discussion on who's the best, you couldn't believe how everypony was eating this shit up.
Especially Twilight.
She showed that notepad NO MERCY.
Starlight, Spike and Cheerilee were at the edge of their seats, enjoying every minute of this incredible "true" story.
"Aaand that pretty much brings us up-to-date."
The class stomps in applause.
[I can't believe that worked....]
"Well, that was an AWES- er, unique and inspiring history, Anonymous." Cheerilee states.
You, being THAT guy, decide to rob some mad cool points by walking along the rows of desks and brohoofing each student one-by-one.
"Wow. You humans must have the weirdest, craziest lives, Anon!" Starlight sighs.
"Just a normal day on Earth."
*DING-A-LING-A-LING*
[Shoot! Have I been at it for THAT long?]
The school bell rings as the kids gather their things.
"Oh! That's it for today, class. It was nice to have you here, Anonymous."
"A pleasure to meet all of you. It's nice to share my history to you."
[Screw you and your plagiarizing ways. Although having 'We Will Rock You' as the national anthem would've been pretty badass.]
When the school's foal-free, you turn to the ecstatic egghead who's made a tall stack of notes.
"Geez Twi! How much did you write?!"
"JUST enough!"
"That was a very insane history, Anon. Are you sure that's ALL true?" Starlight asks skeptically.
"Of course! We made novels, games and movies of them." you state, Guardians comic in hand.
"Heh, if only history was told in comic form." Spike jokes.
"So let me get this straight, he had to DESTROY his own father?!"
"Of course, he offed his mother and squished his Walkman! AND he tried to annihilate every planet in the universe!"
"W-What's a Walkman?" Spike asks. After gesturing to your player, Spike's face turned into a look of utter disbelief. "Oh. He NEEDED to be destroyed."
Suddenly, a loud gurgling rumble interrupts your conversation.
It's your stomachs.
"Oh no, is Pinkie's pie up for round two?"
"No. I think it's the-"
BUUURRP!!!
"Radi-Cola talking."
"Oh, that drink felt so bubbly and-"
*BURRP* *FWOOM*
"Burning!"
"Yeaaah, that happens once in a while. But you get used to it. I just hope Doc knows what he's doing."
Heading further into Ponyville, you see the Doc's home smoking through the window.
"Eh......give or take."
"Actually now that pie's out of our systems, I could go for something to eat."
"Hoo, same." Twi sighs. "A hay burger sounds good right now."
[I'm sorry, a hay what?]
"I've been meaning to ask, Twilight, does EVERY food you have here contain hay?"
"Well......not everything. Why?"
"Just checking."
As you and the others make your way to the closest restaurant, Twilight takes you aside while Spike and Starlight continue on.
"We'll catch up in a minute. I need to have a word with Anon."
[Uh oh, where's this gonna go?]
"Sooo, Anon. About that quote on quote 'homework' I gave you..."
"Y-Yeah?"
"Did you........complete it?"
You turn to your glimmer of sunshine, who's entering the establishment with your dragon bro with a smile.
"As a matter of fact, I did."
Twilight looks on to see who you were staring at.
"I see. An A+ for you, then."
"There's also Doctor Whooves, Trixie, pretty much EVERY student in Cheerilee's class-"
"A-Alright Anon, I get it." she giggles. "But did you learn anything?"
[Oh man, please don't tell me I have to make a whole SPEECH off this?!]
"W-Well, just that, despite being turned in a furry against my will-"
[DAMN! I should've made a 'What's up Doc?' joke before!]
"You should do all you can for your friends, no matter how, shall we say, SHOCKING. And Starlight taught me that well enough."
"Well said, Anon.......I think."
"Yeah, and she gives the best belly rubs."
"What was that, Anon?"
"NOTHING!!!" you blurt out as you zip into the restaurant.
A half hour later the four of you are still eating lunch having a conversation. You ordered a daisy sandwich, hey they kinda grew on you. The two mares both had hay burgers and Spike ate a muffin with shredded rubies on top. How that's not a safety hazard is beyond you. Also you can't believe how much ketchup Twilight has on her meal, it's almost nauseating.
"But yeah, Guardians is the sole reason I listen to those kinds of songs. But what's your favorite out of all of them?" you ask.
There was a moment of silence when you snicker at Starlight's sentence. "Heh. 'Alright' was GOOD, that's funny."
All of you spend the time laughing and talking about your jams until you all felt the need to depart. You felt kinda guilty having Twilight pay for your lazy ass.
"I-I'm sorry you had to pay for my broke behind Twi. I really need to search for a job here."
"Oh don't worry about it, Anon. It's no big deal."
"But I don't want to take advantage of your hospitali-"
You're suddenly silenced by a purple aura of magic.
"I said don't worry about it!" she huffs, pouting her lips and paying the bill.
"Okay, I won't!" you muffle.
"Although, we ARE in the need of a new janitor at the school of friendship. If you're interested." Twilight offers with a cheeky grin.
[Why am I getting a 'Get Out' vibe from this mare?]
"When do I begin?"
"We'll get you started around maybe Thursday."
[That's two days.]
"Until then, you could hang out with your new friend then." she smugly states.
[Damn you Sparkle.]
"And who could THAT be?" Starlight asks smiling.
Sitting next to her you reach over and scratch the back of her ear. "You, ya silly filly!" you exclaim playfully.
Starlight twitches as you've clearly found her sweet spot.
(Again, why the hell am I writing this?)
"Mmm, sound nice." she sighs, warmly leaning into your hand. "Too bad, I have to do some researching."
"What?! W-Well...Spike?"
"Sorry, Anon. Got books to reshelf."
]I'm not even going to ASK what'll keep Twilight busy!]
"Fine. I guess I'll just take a look around Ponyville. Get to know my surroundings better."
"Well, see ya later, bro." Spike waves.
"Yeah, yeah just go 'reshelf those books' already."
You turn to your semi-egghead "pal".
"And YOU! What is this 'research' of yours? Are you reading Fifty Shades of Hay or something?"
"N-No! How'd you know about that book?!"
"Oh man, I was just joking! There's ACTUALLY a book like that here?"
"Well, yes but......w-we don't talk about THAT book. Wait, you have a story like that in your world?!"
"Even we 'hyewmuns' don't like to acknowledge it's existence!"
Spike, however, stares at you all confused.
"W-What's.....Fifty Shades of-"
"When you're older, Spike!" Twilight exclaims, dragging the oblivious dragon away. "Anyways, we'll see you later, Anon."
Starlight bids you farewell before following after, leaving you in the middle of town surrounded by unfamiliar ponies.
"Welp.......rocket booting free time."
You take to the skies, clumsily flying through the streets of Ponyville, creating a mental map around town.
As you continue on, you hear a loud beeping sound coming from your boots, a red light flashing.
"That ain't good."
You reach for your walkie.
"Doc? Are there any kinks in these boots?"
"Not that I know of, Anonymous. Just don't fly for more than ten minutes or it'll overheat."
"Uh huh. And if it overheated, hypothetically speaking, how long would it take for it to cool and recharge?"
"Eh, approximately about twenty minutes, old chap."
"Oh....good to know. Later."
Being up cloud-level, you plummet to the ground. Your body shifts toward a nearby hill and with a sickening THUD, you land on your back, scaring nearby birds away.
"Y-Yeah, I'm....NOT using these again." you wince.
Soon, you drag yourself to a near tree log and rest. "Ugh, p-pull it together Anon. I-It's just your muscles, your bones and your organs."
You relax and take in the scenery. Hey, it beats the Everfree. Everything was quiet and peaceful...
"Are you sure you wanna do this, Scootaloo?"
It was fun while it lasted.
You hear a group of familiar voices having an argument of someone riding a scooter down the hill nearby. As you trace the source of the sound, you find a trio of fillies, two on a large mattress and the other on her scooter.
Soon you caught their eyes.
"Oh, hey Anon! How's it hangin'?" the orange pegasus says.
It's those three ponies from Cheerilee's class.
"Hey girls. Whatcha up to?"
"We're about to slide down this hill!"
"That's cool- wait, on a MATTRESS?!"
"Of course! Scootaloo here wants to use her scooter, instead." the yellow filly states.
"That just sounds crazy!" the white filly whines.
"Ya know this is Scootaloo we're talkin' about, right?"
"Hehehe." the pegasus chuckles crazily.
"You can't do that!"
"Aww, why NOT?! We-"
You pop your bones, pluck off a large sheet of a tree's bark, carve it in the form of a surfboard and place it on the ground. "Without me."
"Whoa, cool board!"
"Yep, just a little creation of mine I like to call 'hill surfing'. Let's do this!"
The two fillies ready themselves on the mattress while Scootaloo revs up her ride.
"Ready Crusaders......a-and Anon?"
"Ready!" "Three. Two. On-"
When the three least expected it, you leap into a kick flip and slide down the slope. "RACE YA!"
"Hey, NO FAIR!!!" Scootaloo yells riding after.
The hill itself was extremely steep and warped so freestyling was inevitable. As massive as that mattress is, it's a shock those two can maneuver it. You decide to again spice things up a bit and perform EVERY single trick in the book. You were skating circles around the stunned little pegasus.
But she wasn't giving up.
Scootaloo suddenly gains a need in speed and strains to keep up with you, a look of competitive aggression in here eyes. She starts to get closer and closer to you as you reach the bottom of the hill. All seemed lost when she passes you until a rock trips her scooter.
You catch the rowdy pony and her ride mid-air just as you reach the end of your righteous race. At the bottom, you find the remaining two fillies have finally made it to the end, mouths agape.
"That. Was. AWESOME, Anon!!!" Scootaloo squees in your arms.
"That was CRAZY!!! the white filly exclaims.
"How'd ya do that?!"
"Maximum.....EFFORT!!!" you pant. "Wooo, who's up for round two?!"
Later...
After you all get the freak out out of your systems, you soon near a farm surrounded by millions upon millions of apple trees.
A few stands and dinner tables are scattered about, almost like a party's about to go down.
"Jesus, what is this place?"
"This......is Sweet Apple Acres!" AppleBloom states extravagantly.
[Does EVERYPONY have to whimsically introduce a location? Seriously, did I stumble into a Steven Spielberg universe?!]
Well, might wanna mark off 'No Shippers' off your 'Great Things About This Place' list as well.
Apparently, even CHILDREN here take one look at two random individuals and won't stop at nothing til they're together.
And the "Crusaders" were NO exception.
Now you have nothing against shippers, but you just don't understand the appeal. It was just annoying that if two people breath in the same ROOM, they're 'destined' to be.
But hey, that's just you.
Anyways, you are having a conversation with the CMC's about their crazy antics, all the while strolling towards the farm. It seems they're prepping up for a specific event of some sort. The smell of apple-related treats in the air. Ponies scattered around, helping each other out. Almost like one big, happy family.
Up ahead, you spot a big red barn and notice a banner around it.
Apple Family Reunion
You stand corrected.
As you all reach the barn, you run into the orange farm pony. "Oh. Howdy Anon. How's yur day goin'?"
"Eh, pretty fine. What are y'all up to?"
"We're settin' things up for the Apple Reunion."
"Hm, cool. Need any help with that?"
"Well, that's mighty kind of ya Anon. Big Mac 'n the boys are out gatherin' apples in the orchard and we need these hay bales set up, but I couldn't ask you to do such hard work."
You just heard the words 'couldn't' and 'work'.
[Oh, so you're saying I'm WEAK now?!]
Seeing the pile of bulky hay bales nearby, you march right up to it and crane kick each and every bale into their places.
Applejack and the Crusaders are clearly stunned.
"Hard, huh AJ?" you scoff, smugly dusting off your hands.
"Hooo, doggy! Whataya be eatin' with your oats?!"
"Meal..." you deadpan.
[Congratulations, idiot! Way to ruin an epic moment!]
The four ponies chuckle at that easily throw away joke.
[Oh, well never mind then.......still a dumbass though.]
"Heh. Ya really are somethin' Anon." AppleBloom jokes.
"Mmm. Wow.......this. Is. Amazing! I've never tried an apple fritter before."
The Apple sisters stare at you, wide-eyed.
"A-Ah'm sorry, I must've a li'l dirt in my ear. C-Can ya repeat that, Anon?" AppleBloom stutters.
"I've...never tried a fritter before?" you repeat hesitantly.
AppleBloom's jaw hit the floor.
"Oop, looks like you broke her, Anon." Sweetie says poking the stunned filly.
"Now Ah'm gonna assume you haven't had apple pie before either?" AJ asks.
"Oh no! There isn't a single pie in the universe I haven't tried out!"
Applejack chuckles at your statement. "We'll let Pinkie be the judge of that." she states, looking past you.
Curiosity made you its bitch and you turn around before a pink blur tackles you to the ground and grappling onto you.
"Hiya Nonny, it's so good to see you! How were you? I am fine. What are ya up to? I mean, besides being super duper hugged by me, Pinkamena Diane Pie! Why'd I say my full name like that? I'm so silly! And wa wa wa wa wa-"
[Urgh! Damn Pink....amena? Sounds like a horror parody. God, is she still talking?!]
"Anyways, how was your- Mmmm mmm MMMM!"
You've clamped the mare's muzzle shut.
"It's nice to see you too Pinkie."
A moment of silence later.
"Uh...Pinkie? You can let GO now. Humans need to breathe too!" you croak.
"Teehee. Sorry Nonny. Got carried away!" she squeaks, finally releasing you from her death grip.
"So......what are you doing here, Pinks?"
"For the reunion silly! I AM part Apple after all!"
"For real?"
"I-It's......complicated. Long story." AJ shrugs.
[So technically, she's an Apple Pie? The cringe is real.]
"Yeah, suuuper crazy I know. I mostly help out with the treats! You HAVE to try the turnovers! They're really really REALLY good!!!"
"I just had a fritter a while ago. Reactions to that being my first were-" you turn to a petrified AppleBloom twitching on her side as the other Crusaders try to revive the poor thing. "Interesting..."
"Eh, don't worry she'll be fine." The farm pony looks past you again before trotting up to the filly. "Watch this. Hey, AppleBloom! Babs is here!"
The yellow filly jolts up and frantically searching the area for this 'Babs' pony.
Down the dirt path you spot a orange filly with a red mane and clippers for a cutie mark.
"BAAAABS!!!" she screams before zipping towards her, the Crusaders following after.
"Well, children'll be children." AJ guffaws.
Out into the horizon, the three of you see a cloud of black smoke fuming out of the farmhouse.
"It's a Code 549!!!" Pinkie yells.
"Yup. Granny Smith's sleep-bakin' again. Anon, I'll be right back, make yurself comfy!"
The two mares gallop towards the pastry in distress, leaving you alone. Soon, more and more ponies start showing up in wagons and Old West-esque attire. You actually thought it was adorable. They all look like dress up products for a multimillion dollar toy company.
Although, it got a little awkward when some would notice your unfamiliar appearance. While strolling around the farm, continuing to receive uneasy looks, you see a group of stallions pulling large carts filled with apples.
Suddenly, one of the cart's wheels come loose, sending it rolling down the hill at a rapid pace. Ponies in the surrounding area scatter except for a baby earth pony who's gumming away at a fritter.
[Alright, time to show these horses what you're made of.....which sounded a lot cooler in my head...wait this is my head. AH SCREW IT!!!]
In your pathetically forced heroics, you race over to the unsuspecting child and catch the crashing cart with your back, the sound of wood creaking over you as a huge wave of apples graze your both.
[That. Was close...]
Placing the cart aside, you examine the slobber mouth. "Hoo, you okay little one?"
"Mo' appul fwitter?" she babbles.
You look around to see everypony's looking at you in awe.
Soon, a light-yellow stallion in a cowboy hat approaches you. "Boy howdy, that's a mighty fine thing ya done did there, partner! Who are ya, stranger?"
[Okay, don't buck this up, dude. You gotta blend in.]
Without a second thought, you give your best cowboy impression.
"Me? Ah'm Anon. Mysterious newcomer to Equestria. Perhaps ya heard of me?"
"Ah have." a red stallion approaches. "AppleBloom wouldn't stop talkin' bout ya. Name's Big Mac."
"Name's Braeburn. Now Apple Roots, didn't I say no more fritters today?"
The baby girl playfully sticks her tongue out.
"Anyways, we're just 'bout to take these out back. Wanna lend a hoof Anon?"
"Happy to."
You scoop the pile of apples into the cart and carry it one handed. While helping around the farm, it seemed like everypony's slowly warming up to you.
You've chatted with a few, practically beaten every stallion in 'hoof-wrestling', and even introduced them to some of your best jams.
You're there, playing your heart out on the banjo while everypony else's square dancing, line dancing, you name it. You think Pinkie might've come up with a new move, 'octagon dancing'.
It confused the hell outta everypony, big shock.
Anyways, after all that rocking, your poor stomach beckons you. Great timing though, because AJ and the others have set up the mouth-watering bounty.
[Alright belly, hope you're in for apples, cause that's all we're- HOLY CRAP IS THAT CHILLI?!]
You dash over to the large pot of chilli where Big Mac's giving it away.
"That's some good lookin' eats, Big Mac. Mind if I try some?"
"Are ya sure 'bout this, Anon? This is my spiciest chilli of the season. Nopony here can handle it." he warns.
Despite the searing hot stew looked like straight-up LAVA in a cauldron, you're NOT going to let that deter you.
"Here's the thing, I'm not a pony. Now, hit me!" you yell mouth WIDE open in full Ready Mode.
"Eeeyup."
He scoops a ladle full out and a huge glowing, red pepper is revealed, a skull-shaped puff of steam emanating from it.
You feel everypony's eyes on you while you go through this foolish action. As the spoon reaches your mouth, you regret your life choices.
[Again, don't buck this up! You can do I- actually no you can't. You're totally boned.]
In a flash, you gobble the chilli down in one go, earning gasps and whispers from all.
As you await your impending doom, nothing happens.
Your belly growls a bit, then stops.
Nothing...
"Well?" he asks worriedly.
"Huh. That was actually pretty- URRRRPP!!!"
In a split second, you suddenly burp flames. As soon as the fire died down, you fall to your knees.
[Okay, that legit hurts. Next move......?]
"Yaaahooo!!!"
Soon, all begin hoot n' hollerin', hats tossed in the air and that dreaded party cannon goes off.
"Sweet Celestia, Anon! Yer crazier than a woodpecker on sugar!" AJ snickers.
"Best. Burp. EVAAAH!!!" Pinkie squeals. "Do it again!"
The rest of the day goes by relatively smoothly. You've participated in the Apple family activities, ate til you drop and told western stories of Earth. Right now, you're just chillaxing sipping on a mug of apple cider watching everypony supporting each other. They're good ponies.
Something about their love for one another just warms your heart.
[Sheesh, maybe I really AM in a Spielberg film.]
Almost wish your family's like this.......if you could remember them, besides your grandfather.
Now that you think of it, your grandfather was probably the only one who cared for you.
It's all coming back...
Both your parents were dead, your grandfather took you in and the two of you were practically inseparable. He was the one who taught you self-defense and introduced you to your favorite jams. But, when he passed, you ran away and the next minute, you're in Equestria.
[Ugh, no wonder why I looked like I was gonna live on my own coming here. Oh, grandpa. I'm so sor-]
"It's PICTURE TIME!!!"
You're cut off your train of thought and you see everypony gathering in front of the barn for a family photo.
As you recover from the flashback, you notice streams of tears flowing down your cheeks.
As you compose yourself, the talkie goes off.
"Anonymous? Come in, old chap."
"R-Read ya loud and clear, Doc. W-What's up?" "I believe I've perfected this concoction of yours. It- URP, pardon me, seems to be working quite well."
[YES! SCORE!!!]
"Oh great! I'll be there in a bit. Out."
As you prepare to leave, you hear something barreling towards you.
Those all too familiar hoofsteps.
And then it hit you...
Literally.
"Nonny! Where are you going?! W-Were you crying."
"Uh, n-no. A bug flew in my eye. I was just heading to Doc's."
"Well, you GOTTA be in the photo first, silly!"
"I-I'm sorry, what?"
"Yer part of the family now, Anon. We'd be plumb crazy not to include you!" AJ states trotting up to you.
[Oh, the diabetus is setting in.]
Your heartstrings are being tugged til they could be tugged no more.
A warm smile grazes your face and you follow AJ to the barn, Pinkie getting a piggyback ride out of this.
[Damn ponies. I love 'em.]
Being the tallest, you walk to the back of the group.
Pinkie's not planning on letting go, so you wing it.
You stand between Applejack and Big Mac and pose for the camera.
As it counts down, an idea strikes you.
*CLICK*
The camera flashes and everypony scatters.
You examine the photo and grin.
In the picture is you and your 'family' all together. Pinkie seemed to have thrown confetti in the air, and you spot the little TOUCH you added to the memento.
Bunny ear prank behind AJ and Mac. Gets 'em every time.
It's a cool evening in Equestria. The Apple Family have gone back to their respective homes, shops are closing for the day and the brightly lit moon ascends into the sky.
Ponies casually greet you as you make your way to Doc's place.
"Anon? You there, bro?" Spike asks.
"Well well, if it isn't Egghead Jr."
"Aww come on. You're still not upset about earlier are ya?"
You sit down on a nearby bench to chastise your "bro"
"No. Just disappointed. You broke the code: bros before....pones!"
"I'm sorry! At least I called. I haven't forgotten about ya, just wondering what you were up to."
"Well, if you MUST know, I'm heading to Doc's. He made more RC.....somehow."
"Can you PLEASE save me some?"
"Fine. I can't stay mad at a bro. Be there soon."
As you finish your call, something catches the corner of your right eye.
Somehow you knew this day would come...
She is sitting RIGHT next to you, staring at you and swinging her hind hooves on the bench like you.
[This is the part where I disappear and am never heard from again. I had a good run....no I didn't.]
Awaiting your terrible fate, you're instead greeted with a hoof.
"Hi there! I'm Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings."
[Not what I expected...]
"A-Anon." you stutter, hesitantly shaking the mare's hoof.
"What do you call THOSE things?" she asks, enthusiastically eyeing your 10-digit 'hooves'.
"Um. Hands?"
[A.k.a. fetish fuel.]
"Ooooooooh! They just look so mesmerizing."
"Thanks, I guess?"
[This is a small town. No doubt Spike must've run into this pony once in awhile. He has hands or claws or whatever. What's so special about these pleasure sticks?!]
Yes, you called them that.
Thank Molestia, or whatever her name is, that a yellow-cream pony puts an end to the awkward encounter.
"Lyra! It's getting late, come on!" she calls.
"Coming Swe- Bon Bon! It was nice to meet you, Anon!"
She rubs your hand playfully before trotting up to your savior.
You mouth out a 'thank you' to the mare before making your escape.
[Bullet. Dodged.]
Entering the nutty professor's abode, it boggles your mind how this place smells perpetually like tea and biscuits.
"Anonymous, is that- UUURP, you?"
You walk to the tinkering room and find the Doc and Derpy sitting at a table belching their guts out.
"Heyyy, Anoooon- BUUURRP!" she slurs.
[Is she getting drunk off of soda?]
"God! How much did you two drink?!"
Judging by the eight empty bottles strewn all over the floor.
I'm gonna say......a lot.
[Where'd they even get the bottles?]
"Not too much. There's a whole dozen for yo- BRAAP, over there, lad."
While you grab the tray full of soda, you spot the damaged portal maker in the corner, oozing muffin batter.
"So, uh Doc? Is there any hope for the portal whatchamacallit?"
"I'm afraid not, old chap. Without a [insert nerd word here] cog, the Portal Ray 3000 will stay inactive. And this was my last one."
"Well, is there, like a [nerd word] cog store anywhere?"
"Unfortunately, the product has been discontinued and the key material, raritanium is, for a lack of a better word, RARE."
Derpy frowns and staggers up to you. "I-I'm reaaally sorry, Anon." she whines.
[Dude, you can't yell at that face. Those eyes are to adowable!]
You pull the sad mare into a tight hug.
"It's alright, Derpy. Everything's fi-"
"BUUUUUURRRP" she belches in your face. "Excuse me."
You quickly set her down and ruffle her mane up. "Don't worry, we'll find a way.......somehow."
Moments later...
You're swearing every word under the sun on your way back to the castle. Storming into the castle, you bump into Twilight.
"Hey, Anon. How was your-" You walk right by her without giving so much as a sideways glance. "Day?"
The whole world can just suck your Johnson right now, you were that peeved.
You stomp into the library and bury your face in your hands, lost in thought.
"Sheesh, who spoiled your milk?" Starlight walks in.
"I'm just a little stuck at the moment, Star."
"Well, first you must move your.....'hands', was it?"
You lazily raise your head and look up eye-level with Glim Glam.
"Now, what's the issue? You can tell me."
The warm smile she gives you lightens your mood a bit.
"Do you know what raritanium is?"
Starlight tilts your head. "A whaaa?"
SMACK
Back in your hands you go.
[Should've known.]
"I heard of it, it's a rare metal located in the Dragon Lands." Twilight states. "Why you ask?"
[I think I might be forming some beginnings of what could be the flower that blossoms into an idea.]
"Eh, Whooves needs the materials for......a-an invention."
"Ooookay?"
"I'm wondering why you're so fixated on the problem."
"Because.......it's a really cool........invent- I'm tired. I need to rest."
Surprisingly, that half-assed excuse works as you slink out of the room. When your out of earshot, you make a quick call.
"Yo, Doc. I think there's a chance for the PR."
It's seems there is hope for you to get back, for Whooves has scheduled a trip to the aforementioned Dragon Lands. Convincing Spike to come along wasn't difficult, labeling himself as the 'guide of the Dragon Lands'.
Whatever, bro.
As you head to your room, a thought occurs to you. "Crap! I left the sodas!"
You sprint back to the library, and your fears have been realized.
Twi and Star are guzzling down YOUR drinks.
[If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.]
The next day, everything seemed normal...
Well, normal for Equestria's standards. Just a day away from your first job here, you'll finally be able to put your lazy ass to good use.
But right now, you're just extremely bored. It's like the deities of boredom spotted you in this world and decided to screw you. Your 'friends' didn't make the problem easier either. The kids have school, so you can't show off your awesomeness, the girls have their own lives to deal with and do I NEED to say what Twilight's up to?
Damn ponies.
That just leaves you and your bro, who must've talked his way out of reshelving.
You enter the foyer where Spike and Big Mac with a board game. "Hey guys, what's up?"
"We're preparing for Guy's Night! We have it every Wednesday, right Big Mac?"
"Eeeyup!"
"Y-You wouldn't mind if.......I joined?"
"Are you kidding?! We were gonna ask if you wanted to play! Right, Big Mac?"
"Eeeyup!"
[He just REALLY likes saying that word, doesn't he?]
"Cool. So what are we playing?"
Spike eyes widen as he looks both ways then showing you the cover.
"Ogres and Oubliettes?"
"SHHHH! He'll hear you!"
"What, who?"
"I be1ieve he,s refeRring t0 mE." a voice echoes in the room.
Suddenly, an amaranth-colored tail coils around your waist. The sound of a snake's hiss grows louder as a tall dark shadow looms over you.
Being the curious fuq boi that you are, you look up, finding yourself face to face with an abomination. An unsavory abomination known as...
"So thissss !s the 'Anonymous' hyewmun y0u were tAlk1nG aBout? KinD of UNDERwheLmiNg 1f u a5k mE."
You're too shooken to get offended.
[What. The. Buck. Is that?]
Spike rubs the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. "Anon, this is Discord." he sighs.
"Di5c0rd wHo?" he asks expectantly.
"Ugh, spirit of chaos and disharmony, the purveyor of pandemonium, lord of lawlessness, earl of turmoil, bringer of bedlam- yada yada. Let's just play already."
"Alri8ht fiNe."
The living Picasso painting snaps his eagle talon and soon the whole room transforms into what you can only describe as 'Nerdland'. It had all of it; giant colorful dice, a grid-like floor, cardboard cutouts, all that jazz.
Everyone else were transformed into their medieval aliases. Spike, a mage, Big Mac, a warrior and Discord...
That flowing blonde hair is pretty majestic, though.
"I am Garbunkle," Spike states. "Level 9 Mage of Spiketopia and Dungeon Master!"
You cross your arms and give him a disapproving look.
[SPIKEtopia?]
"It's a working title. Give me SOME credit. Anyways, this is Sir McBiggun, Level 8 Warrior."
"Sir McBiggun" raises his sword like he's friggin' Dave the Barbarian.
[Does anyone even remember that?]
"Eeeyup!"
"And !'m CaPta1n WuZz! LeVeL 12 ArcHer of Spiketopia, scourge of skele-ponies everywhere!" Discord extravagantly adds.
"Now that you're part of the Guys, let's pick your O&O class."
Suddenly, four large cards appear in front of you, each one a class:
Warrior Archer Mage Rogue
[Whoa! Where's 'Jew'? It's not D&D without 'Jew'. Everyone knows that.]
Being the bad boy that you think you are, you pick 'Rogue'.
Your clothes magically transform you into...basically an Assassin's Creed cosplayer.
"Good choice. Name?"
[Man, so many possible names. It's gotta be something cool.]
"AnonyMaster?"
[How 'creative'.]
The word 'AnonyMaster' pop up above your head.
"Alr!gHt, n0w thAt the Newb!e's set, let's gEt th1S Sh0w oN the R0aD!"
"Okay, our mission: save Princess Schmarity from the evil Squizard!"
Your mind focuses on the name of the games damsel in distress, "Schmarity". Arms crossed once again, you look at Spike.
"Don't judge me!"
"I didn't say anything, bro." you say.
"And how 'bout the way you look at Starlight you shouldn't be making jokes."
You blush at the remark.
So far, the game's surprisingly entertaining. Thank Celestia Twilight and friends weren't here, for "Captain Wuzz" expanded the game throughout every room in the castle. It's almost like Dragon's Lair for nerds. The game's enemies, while silly on paper, are actually pretty good...on paper.
Like, 90% of the props, mobs and projectiles are all cardboard cutouts.
Although the limited character movement can be a bit unsettling. Right now, you and the crew have just vanquished the Muffin Lord in the kitchen Valley of Culinary Calamity.
"0nwArd, Guyz of Sp1keT0pia, to the LaNd of Lo5t L!teraTur3 wHerE Pr1nCeSs SchMar1ty is he1D caPtiVe by tHe SquIzArd!"
"I bet it's the library." you whisper to 'Garbunkle'.
"Two bits says it's not."
One 'perilous' journey later
"Pay up."
Spike begrudgingly tosses two bits into your inventory pouch.
Inside, the room is instead replaced with a vast desert landscape, populated by a countless army of flying book birds.
Up ahead, the Squizard holds Princess Schmarity captive.
[Does this lady EVER carry a taser?]
"Come, men! Tonight, we dine on calamari!" you bellow, dagger raised high.
The whole team turns to you confused.
"Cala- what now?" Spike asks.
"It's squid."
"Ew. I mAy hAvE coNsuMed al0t of thiNgs, bUt even I have to aDmit tHat's prEtTy gr0sS." 'Captain Wuzz' states.
"N-Not literally! Squid tastes nasty to be honest- UGH, forget it. Let's just end this already!"
Soon, three books soar across the sky, targeting your party. A large die appears in your hands. By rolling it, you cast 'Triple Strike'. Reaching into your bag of infinite daggers, you karate kick one right through all three who were conveniently placed in front of one another. Upgrading your precision aiming was the best call.
[Man, I hope these books respawn soon or Twilight'll have our heads.]
The three of you venture on until you're surrounded by a circle of graves.
Garbunkle rolls the dice. "I cast Staff Blast!"
Just as the skele-ponies emerge from their resting places, Garbunkle leaps off of MacBiggun, somersaults through the air and ground pounds his staff in the center circle, sending a wave of magic that shatters the mob to dust.
It's super effective.
[Alright, Epic Mickey! Take it easy.]
You and your party travel further to the Squizard's lair when a swarm of paper bats block the pathway.
Suddenly, CW's eyes pop out into his lion hand and rolls it.
"I ca5t 'ScaTter ARr0ws! CoMb0 AtTack!"
The bats lurk closer as CW sprouts twelve extra arms with bow and arrows and aims at MacBiggun. "ReaDy S1r MacBIGgun?!"
"Eeeeeeeeeyuuuuuuuup!" he yells spinning at rapid speed.
CW fires an infinite array of arrows he could manage at the twirling stallion, who sends them raining down on the flock.
"HuZzah!" "Huzzah!" "Huzzah!" "Eeyup!"
[I know it's coming soon.]
"Give up, Squizard! Release Princess Schmarity and leave Spiketopia forever!"
[Oh, this is gonna be heartbreaking.]
All of you have finally defeated the invertebrate magician until...
*POOF*
The Squizard turns into a trio of Poombas stacked on top each other and scurry off as the princess fades from existence.
"WHAT?!" Spike hollers.
[Right on cue.]
You notice the creatures have left behind a note and pick it up.
"Yep. I knew this was coming the whole journey."
"What is it?!"
"One of the worst clichés in medieval RPG history: the princess is in another castle."
Surprising how one of his powers wasn't howling because boy, can Spike scream.
[Why is it that a villain wants to marry a princess to be rich and powerful when they somehow have the money and resources to build ALL these decoy castles?!]
And so, you're off, travelling from castle in a perilous setting to castle in a perilous setting.
You eventually locate a dark fortress bigger than all the others combined. Somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind told you this was the real deal. Entering the castle was possibly the only easy thing in this stage because what follows after is a fight for your life. From skele-ponies to the book bats, EVERY enemy in the game was present and the Squizard was TWICE his normal size and strength. Cornered on a cliff, all of you make your final stand.
"We cAn d0 th1s teaM! T0getHer!" Discord exclaims. "F0r gloRy!"
"For friendship!" you bark.
"For Rari- SCHMARITY!!!"
The four of you leap into air, swords, magic and arrows blazing. There's only one thing that mattered! And that's-
"Alright 'guys', time for bed. Anon's got work to do tomorrow."
How much of a buzzkill Twilight can be. Soon, your chaotic fantasy melts away as reality returns to the room.
Or balcony, more like it.
[Shoot, did we get THAT carried away?]
"Do I even WANT to know what's going on?" Starlight asks.
"We cAmE-"
"We fought-"
"Ha! We kicked his BUTT!!!" you chortle.
Awkward silence.
"Augh, why'd you have to bring his butt into it, Anon?!" Spike groans.
"That's the saying. It's how it goes."
"That's not how it goes."
"I'm 99% sure that's how it goes."
"It doesn't matter!" Egghead barks. "What DOES matter is sleep."
"Aw, just five more minutes? We're about to get to the good stuff!"
You, Spike, Discord and Big Mac smile at Twilight with pleading eyes.
"Fine. FIVE more minutes, then bed."
With a snap of a draconequus' talon, the world of Spiketopia returns. As the glorious battle continues, a loud sound halts the combat.
Oh, you're probably wondering why it's not 'peaceful' like the others.
Well it would've been peaceful, if not for the fact that Twilight's prodding your back yelling 'Get up' over and over.
"Okay, I'm up..." you sigh, leaning up.
"Finally. Now let's-"
"Aaand I'm down." you finish, planting your face into the pillow.
Then that twinkling sound shows up, and you're suddenly in the air.
"Ugh, come on, Anon! You can't be late for school."
[I thought I was free from those words. Obviously not!]
"Okay, alright. Just let me get ready."
"I have LOTS of days like this, trust me on that one."
"Oh stop it, Spike. You're making it sound like shelving is the worst."
"It kind of is." he whispers.
Soon, Spike is caught in Twilight's magical grip.
"We'll meet you outside, Anon. Don't-"
"Be late? I won't."
Twilight and Spike leave as you get yourself dressed.
Some time later...
"So, they DO take the train?"
"Of course. What, do you think we just let them fly or walk ALL the way to their homes?"
"N-No, I was just curious."
[I should've known that, to be honest.]
The three of you are walking to the school of friendship, discussing how the place works. Thank heavens these ponies aren't completely racist...
And yet, they're making you, a creature not from this world, clean up after them...
You shrug and brush it off.
While strolling through the hallways, you see every creature preparing for the day. Some gave a casual 'Hey, Anon' as you went by. It felt strange because, when in high school, you were either ignored or pushed around.
Here, everyone treated you like a real friend. All of them have accepted you in their society and treated you like their own. It's almost like they actually cared about you. Or maybe your awesome points are still in effect after that magic show.
Either way, it was nice.
Twilight leads you to the center of the library, which is TWICE as big as the one in the castle, and she pushes a cart of cleaning items.
"Okay, let's get it started in here. Here's your wipes, the sprays, loofah. Also got some sponges, hoofsoaps, some puzzle books-"
[Puzzle books?]
As Twilight continues listing off the cleaning items with horribly thought out horse pun titles, you hear a boinging sound getting awfully closer.
[Back for round three, eh?]
This time, you're ready.
At the last second, you fall into a split as Pinkie Pie soars over your head screaming your name and crashes into a small stack of books.
"No hugs today, Pinks. Better luck next time."
"Oooh no. That wasn't the best move, Anon." Twilight winces.
"How come?"
You turn to see Pinkie with a determined smile.
"Oh, it. Is. On Nonny! You're gonna get the biggest, giganticist-ist hug ever when you least expect it!"
*POP* *SQUEAK*
Her party cannon goes off and blinds you with confetti. When you recover she was gone.
"Well. It was nice knowing you, bro."
"What do you mean?"
"Nopony denies a Pinkie hug. You might want to watch yourself. There's NO stopping her."
It's crazy how a pink horse hugging you sends a shiver down your spine. But you've been through worse.
"Challenge accepted, then. Now let's get to work."
Lunch time.
That wondrous time of a school day where teachers and students come together to relax and eat. In Equestria, it's a little more enjoyable with friends around...
Except you feel there's a presence in the cafeteria.
[Three...two...one...]
You hold your arm out and soon the pink menace collides with your hand. The impact of her assault tosses your player to the ground.
Now, knowing a pony like Pinkie, you could tell she's that type of individual who'd take a good, fun everyday thing and turn it into something intolerable. The song that plays came on at the wrong place at the WORST. POSSIBLE. TIME.
Your eyes widen as the infamous jingle gets Pinkie rocking.
"Oh, God freaking dammit, not here too!"
The skittish pony starts bobbing all over the cafeteria singing along with YOUR player in hoof. Milestone for the first song you wished others didn't get a kick out of because, unfortunately, everyone in the room already has.
"Hey, what's up Anon? Is everything okay?"
"You will all rue this moment." you state with a hint of malice.
"What are you talking about? This one's kinda catchy."
You lean in, inches away from the dragon's face. "RUUUUE." you whisper.
After the song ends, you reach for the player.
"Alright, show's ov-"
Before you can even touch it, a pink blur scoops it up.
"Sorry, Nonny. If you want it back, you'll have to give me a biiiig hug!"
[This mare serious?!]
"Oh no, you're not winning THAT easily, Pie!"
"Okie dokie lokie!"
And in a flash, she was gone again.
[Dear lord. What monstrosity have I just unleashed on this pitiful world.]
An hour and a half later, as you're sweeping the halls, you spot Pinkie's classroom.
Getting a closer look, you see she's reading a newspaper at her desk.
[Those poor students. Not this set up.]
"Ooh, that's interesting!"
"Uh, what's interesting, Miss Pie?"
"Have you not heard?"
"Heard wha-"
You turn the corner and barge into the room. "Ocellus, DON'T!!!"
But it was too late.
Pinkie's singing and dancing her sugar-coated heart out. She must've played that thing ever since lunch because even the class is sick of her crap, covering their ears or slamming their heads on the desks. Soon Pinkie notices you coveeing your ears and mockingly holds her arms wide.
Damn ponies.
After school
"Is she tired of it yet?" Spike asks.
The dreaded little tune can be heard down the hall.
"Eeenope."
"Come on out Anon. You can't hide forever."
"Anon, just hug her already! I can't take it anymore!" he whines.
"First, I'm not going down without a fight. And second, I thought you thought it was 'catchy'."
"Yeah, the first 200 times!"
That bone-chilling boinging sound returns.
"Quick, in here!" you hiss, darting into Rainbow Dash's loyalty class and dive into a ball pit.
"Sup, Anon." RD greets. "Um, what are you in the ball pit for?"
"No matter what, do NOT fall for Pinkie's-"
"Hey, Dashie! Seen Anon anywhere?"
[Now I lay me down to sleep-]
"Y-Yeah, I did. Why?"
"Oh silly, haven't you heard?"
Luckily, Pinkie's facing away from you as you shake your head at Rainbow.
"N-No......I haven't."
"Aww, are ya sure ya haven't heard?"
"Eenope."
[Whew, thanks Rainbow. What a bro.]
"Heard of what?"
"DAMN IT, SILVERSTREAM!!!"
Pinkie dance time.
[Silverstream is WORST creature. I'm marking it.]
"Theeere you are, Nonny!"
You and Spike sprint out of the room, ears in your hands. "Ugh, when will this END?!"
"I don't-"
*DING*
Brain blasts. Gotta love 'em.
Running down the path for your life, you bump into the cleaning cart. You smile as you get an idea.
[Perfect.]
"We need to get to Twilight's office. Hop on."
"Why d-AAAHH!"
No time to lose, you toss the dragon in the cart and ride it like a scooter. For only hopping at a slow pace, Pinkie sure knows how to catch up to someone.
Speeding through the halls, Spike hits you with this interesting piece of news.
"Twilight's office is the other way!"
You skid to a halt.
[Coulda told me that sooner!]
"Nowhere to run, Nonny! Huuuug?"
You shake a bottle of soap and pop the lid.
"Hey Pinkie, look. Bubbles."
Her eyes widen as she charges towards the bubbles, popping them like a child.
[Oh. Well that was easy.]
Thanks to your dragon bro, you're able to navigate the maze-like hall and reach Twilight's work space, who's doing her usual nerdy paperwork.
"Hey, Anon. How was your first day?" she waves.
"Would've been better if You-know-who would lay off!"
"And you led her HERE?!"
"No worries, I have a plan. I just need some assistance."
"No bubbles can stop me this time, Nonny. You can't win!"
You walk out of the office in surrendering arms. "You win Pinkie. You win. I give up."
"About time! I'm getting preeetty tired of that song."
"Are you kidding me?!?!" Spike yells.
Pinkie gets into a pouncing stance.
"On one condition: you stop bugging me afterwards."
"Okie dokie lokie! I Pinkie Promise. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
[Eh, sounds WAY less painful than the human version.]
Pinkie bounds up to you wraps you in a tight hug.
For a full MINUTE.
"Feel satisfied yet?"
"Nope!"
"Too bad. You have three seconds left."
"You're not gonna get away that eas- Wait WHAT?!"
Suddenly, you vanish and Pinkie falls on her flank.
"OH NO! I SQUISHED ANON INTO SPARKLY DUST!!!"
While she's having a mental breakdown, you pop up next to her. "Now we're even." you state.
"NONNY! YOUR NOT SPARKLY! I-MMH!!!"
She runs into your hand.
"Uh uh. You made a promise."
"I don't understand. What WAS that?"
"Duplication spell. Courtesy of Twilight. Thanks, Twi!"
She pops her head out the door and waves. Soon, Pinkie bursts into hysterical laughter.
"So I guess we're done here?"
Pinkie calms down, crosses her arms and pouts.
"Whew. We're good. That was a great prank by the way!" she says handing back your player.
[FINALLY!!!]
Rejoicing over everyone's freedom, it soon dawns on you. "Although, it is weird because everyone should've know that the bird is indeed the word."
Spike climbs up the cleaning cart and backhands you across the face.
Your first day on duty in Equestria completed. It was a rocky start with the "Pie" incident, but everything ended well. Almost like this is all some kind of Saturday morning cartoon...
Anyways, you're putting up your cleaning equipment when you notice a little filly with a curly light-blue mane struggling with a tall stack of books.
[Damn it, Purple Smart.]
"Need any help there?" you ask, picking up the stack.
"Oh, thank you mister! I'm trying to get these books to Miss Glimmer." she states.
[Oh. Well damn it, Glim Glam?]
"Let me help you with that, Miss-" you pause expectantly.
"Cozy Glow."
"Anon. Nice to meet you."
"Oh, after that magic show, everyone here at the school knows who you are." she says matter of factly.
"Oh, yeah? Did they bestow some cool nickname upon me?" you say in a mocking royal tone.
"I wouldn't say 'cool' but........Ocellus came up with it."
"What is it?"
"Fluffy!" she states.
[Are you bucking kidding me? Just like in high school.]
"Well. A certain changeling's gonna get a serious talking to."
As you two walk to Glimmy's office, you read the hardcover of the books Cozy was delivering.
[Pony Psychology by Sigmane Freud.......I'm going to kill myself later.]
You arrive at the unicorn's room who is writing down some notes.
"Hello again, Cozy Glow. Anon." she greets.
"Hello, Miss Glimmer. I got those pony psychology books you asked for." Cozy states.
"Thank you. Just set them by the couch over there."
As instructed, you place the books down.
"So, how was your day?" you ask.
"Pinkie. You?" she sighs.
"Pinkie."
"She made me scared to be curious." Cozy adds.
"Don't worry. I have the torture device right here."
[OH I'M SO SORRY BABY! I'D NEVER CALL YOU THAT! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!]
"That's a relief. You're excused, Cozy Glow."
The little filly nods and takes her leave as you take a seat across from the mare.
"..."
"..."
"Soooo........what are doing later?" you ask, hands casually in pockets.
"Eh, not much."
"It happens. Everyone says school is the most boring part of their day, and when they go home, they have nothing better to do, you know?"
Starlight chuckles at your truth-spitting lesson of the day.
"I guess they're bored here and home."
"Eeyup."
"Bored. Bored.......BOARD! Hey Anon, wanna play a board game? I've got the PERFECT one!" she says, bouncing against her desk.
"Sure. I always enjoy a good board-" you're cut off as a white flash blinds you and you find yourself on the floor in the library at Twilight's castle, a grinning Starlight a few inches away from your face. "....game." you finish.
"Great! Wait right here!"
[Ugh. Teleportation is REALLY disorienting!]
A few moments later and the giddy unicorn trots back in with a board game.
"Me and my friend Sunburst played this all the time! You're gonna love it!" she says levitating the box eye-level to you.
[Dragon Pit, eh? Sounds interesting.]
"Cool. How do you play?"
"The game is simple, actually..."
"Uh oh. Looks like someone's dragon's gonna get trapped." she giggles in anticipation.
"Okay, this time, I'm NOT gonna get exci-"
Then, your dragon avatar falls through a trap door in the board.
"HA! I can't help it!" you squee, kicking around like a man-child.
You and Starlight have been playing a few rounds of the game for about a half hour and you're really enjoying yourself. It still boggles you how a trap door can be so exciting.
The loud rumbles coming from your stomachs crash the party.
"Break?" "Break?" you both say simultaneously.
"That's what I was gonna say!" "That's what I was gonna say!"
"Stop that!" "Stop that!"
"She sells seashells by the-" "She sells seashells by the-"
"Night club!" "Night club!"
"..."
"..."
Soon, you two erupt into laughter.
"You are something else, Anon." Starlight sighs.
"Something AWESOME!"
"Whatever you say. I have some leftover tea cakes and oolong. Care for some?"
"Oh, I haven't had tea in so long. I would love some, thanks."
"Good! Be back in a sec." she says trotting out.
After awhile, Starlight returns with what she promised in her magical grip.
"Hot tea coming through."
She sets the tray of tea cakes, cookies and cups on a table. As she does, you notice a bit of frosting smeared on her right cheek.
"Sheesh, were you THAT hungry?!" you asked.
"Hey, these cakes are really good! Made them myself, you should try them." she says in defense.
"Heh, I'll be the judge of tha-"
You're cut off as the mare shoves the mini cake into your mouth. The moment it made contact with your taste buds, your cheeks were on high beam.
"Well.......?" she asks.
[Mm. Flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla bean and...a small twist of lemon. It. Is. HEAVEN.]
"It's...alright, I guess." you shrug.
Starlight stares at you with a mischievous grin.
"Oh you KNOW it's delicious, Anon."
"You've got no proof of that."
"You literally have FOUR more of them in your arms, Anon."
"Tha pwoves nuffing!" you muffle.
You wash the heavenly adequately tasty treat down with Starlight's special oolong, which sends a warm sensation sinking down your spine. Your trembling catches the unicorn's attention.
"So...?" she asks with a smug smirk.
"Y-You win." you utter.
"Ha! Score one for me!"
"Say what you will, I'm enjoying this."
The two of you spent the time in the library telling stories and past experiences while eating those scrumptiousdelectable godly desserts. But you notice the more you mention the word 'past', the more nervous Starlight appears.
Eventually, you crack.
"Starlight are you okay?"
"O-Oh yeah, it's nothing. Just too much cake that's all."
"Heh, I can tell." you snicker flicking a speck of frosting off her muzzle.
"Yep. Yeah..." she sighs, dejected.
"Welp. Bout time I hit the hay." you yawn and stretch.
As you get up, Starlight grabs your hand.
"Anon, wait!" she yelps.
"What is it, pal?"
"T-There's something I need to tell you. It's something I need to get off my chest. Might not call me 'pal' afterwards."
[Da buck is this conversation going?!]
"What do you mean?" you ask in concern, sitting back on the couch.
"W-Well, it all started back in my old hometown of Sire's Hollow. I didn't have many friends, except for Sunburst-"
Wow. J-Just wow...
You couldn't have foreseen such a twist despite your many years of comic book studies.
"A-And that's pretty much it." Starlight finishes with a sheepish smile.
"Well.......that was something."
"Probably think I'm some crazy mare, huh?" she utters, head slightly down.
Without warning, you flick the mare's nose.
"Ouch!" she squeaks.
"Don't. EVER. Think that. I never thought that, and I won't think that. That's in the past. You're the nicest mare I know. Heck, you and Twilight took me in and treated me like a real friend, unlike the humans on my world, and I'm still really grateful for that. I am GLAD to call you my friend." you say wholeheartedly.
The touched mare places her hoof to her chest, tearing up.
"Y-You're a really sweet guy, Anon. Thank you." she sniffles.
Before you could react, Starlight wraps you in a tight hug, rubbing her damp cheeks against yours.
"I-I try." you grunt under her death grip as you return the hug.
With her silky smooth hair wafting your face, you scratch behind the mare's ears, earning a low purr from her. As she rests in your lap, one of her hind hooves bumps against the player strapped to your belt.
"W-Wait. I haven't heard this one yet. It sounds nice." she says, stopping your hand.
"Alright then, Glimmy."
"Thanks, FLUFFY." she playfully mocks.
"Ha ha. You're welcome......pal."
A little while after the song ends, you're on the verge of passing out.
"Starlight, come on it's time for bed." you say, softly prodding the mare.
She doesn't respond.
"Starlight?"
The lazy pony is out cold.
Soon, she curls up in your lap, peacefully slumbering on your chest. She smiles lightly as you rub her lavender-scented mane. Your mind says 'buck it' and soon, the dark forces of drowsiness overwhelm you, and you fall fast asleep.
Waking up, the dreaded sun punishing your eyes once again, you realize you're in the library on the couch with a medium-sized blanket. Attached to it is a note:
Sleep tight, you two. ;)
-S
"You two?" you mumble.
Then, something shifts under the blanket. You remove it to find your slumbering pal curled up on your lap and chest.
[Oh. HER two.]
"Psst, Starlight? Starlight wake up." you whisper, rubbing the mare's ears.
She yawns and wakes up with a warm smile. "Mmm, morning Anon." she sighs.
Eventually, her eyes shoot open, smile diminished and she blushes HARD.
"Welcome to reality, Sleeping Beauty." you say.
"How long was I out?" she chuckles sheepishly.
"All night. You ponies are cute when you're asleep, ya know that?"
"Oh hush." she says throwing a pillow on your face.
The both of you get up and rearrange the couch. "You're right. It was wrong of me to say that. I meant to say 'adowable'."
Starlight frowns and whacks you upside the head with another pillow, feathers fluttering in the air.
"Ha, even your acts of aggression are 'aww' inducing!" you cackle.
"Wanna be a furball again? See what true cuteness is?" she snickers, horn glowing.
"I retract my statement."
"Good. Now let's clean up, get some breakfast and get to work."
"Cool beans."
Starlight looks at you in confusion.
"Human expression. Means 'fine'."
As you leave the library, you both run into Twilight and Spike. "So, how'd you two sleep?" Spike asks with a sly smirk.
You look away, as does Starlight for that matter.
"Fine, I guess." you mumble.
"Okay, sure."
"Y-Yeah. S-Same..." she stutters.
"What were you two doing in the library?" Twilight asks suspiciously.
"W-well, we had a-"
"U-Uh, a BOOK...worm...sleepover?" she blurts out.
"You had a bookworm sleepover and didn't INVITE me?!" she squeals offended.
"Y-Yeah. Guess ya missed it."
"That's not good." Spike winces.
"Weeell, are you having another one tonight?" Twilight asks in excitement.
"Twi, there isn't-"
"I'll have everything set up. We'll read the action/adventure section, and then the thriller and the-"
"You could've just told her the truth, ya know." Spike whispers.
"Buck no!" you hiss. "Unlike you, she wouldn't let me live it down!"
"...point taken."
"Eeee! This is gonna be so much FUN!" Twilight screams as she gallops off down the hallway.
"Well we set ourselves up for that now, didn't we?"
"Fraid so. There's NO stopping her."
"Anyone up for breakfast?" Spike asks.
Your stomachs grumble violently.
"They are, obviously."
The three of you grab some grub before heading to the school. Sadly, there weren't any surviving tea cakes to take to go. Would've been better than being guilt tripped into eating those dry ass cauliflower bites!
At the school, you're going through your cleaning routine while simultaneously trying to avoid the egghead's bombardment of questions about "What pajamas should she wear at the sleepover" or "How long should we sleep before reading again" and some mess like that. First Pinkie, now her. Right now, you're sweeping around the field outside the school, where the students in Rainbow's class are doing some teambuilding exercise.
"Anonymous? Are you there?" a voice chimes in your walkie.
"Anon here. What's up, Doc?"
"Oh, brilliant news lad. I've made a few adjustments to our trip and-"
"And I helped!" another voice yells in the background.
"Yes, indeed Miss Hooves did. Anyways, we were wondering if you're free tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah. I'd be-"
You stop and see the broom in your grasp.
[Damn.]
"Happy to go, but Twilight decided to DROP a job upon me."
"You could call in sick, ya know?" Spike chimes in.
"You know I can't do that, Spike. And shouldn't you be working?"
"Shouldn't YOU be working?" he asks accusingly.
"Point taken. But I still can't make up an excuse. She'd never buy it, especially AJ."
"Never know, you might have an 'accident'."
[Self harm.......heh, never knew a bro could be so twisted.]
"I'll try I guess, but.......hold on a minute, bro."
You hold out hand and catch a red ball that soared across from the other side of the field.
"Shoot, almost had him." a raspy voice yells in the background.
"I'm gonna have to call you back." you whisper before turning to face your arch adversary of awesomeness.
"Well well well, if it isn't Professor Egghead."
"Nice to see ya again, 'Fluffy'."
"Um, yeah. About that-" you say, turning to the changeling who'd cursed you with the title, who shrugs.
"Enough about that, what are you up to?"
"Teambuilding exercise."
"Does 'teambuilding' involve pelting a poor defenseless human with softballs?"
"It was supposed to be a joke, but you HAD to use your kung fu-y moves or whatever." Rainbow huffs, crossing her arms and pouting. "Anyways, it's like Buckball, but 20% cooler."
"Oh, well good luck with that."
As you leave, the sound of a griffon clearing his throat grabs your attention. "Um, can we have our ball back?" he asks.
You look down to see the ball still in your grasp. "Oop, sorry. Forgetting what you're holding can be such a pain, am I right?"
That word echoed through your mind: 'pain'. Back facing the class, you grin mischievously and an idea begins to grow as RD hovers by.
"Oh, it is SO on." she grunts standing to her hooves. Rainbow picks the ball up with a sinister smile. "Class. New lesson: Tag Anon!"
The students smirk before rushing behind the bleachers, each returning with a ball.
But you stand your ground.
"Bring it on, you're all about to go blind from overexposure to pure AWESOMENESS!"
While also rethinking your life choices...
One intense game of dodgeball later, you, Rainbow and the class are resting on the benches, exhausted and beaten. Softballs are littered throughout the field and, miraculously, no windows were smashed.
"Draw again?" you pant.
"D-Draw. Again..." she huffs.
"Ugh. Remind me to never give anyone a nickname. Ever." Ocellus whimpers.
"My eyes are blurry, is that bad? Either way, it looks waaavy!" Silverstream squeals.
The bell eventually rings and the students head off to their next class.
"Well, that was fun, but duty calls." you say rubbing your neck.
"Literally." Rainbow chuckles.
You roll your eyes and head back to your business. The final bell rings, students returning to their dorms and teachers heading home.
You're finishing up the halls when you soon run into Spike.
"Hey Anon. Came up with a plan yet?" he asks, inspecting your form.
"Yeah, I-"
It suddenly hits you.
[Damn. It. Rainbow.]
To be fair, that 'teambuilding' session was pretty investing.
"No. I didn't."
"Well, what are you gonna do? The trip's tomorrow." he states.
While pondering your predicament, you spot Twilight walking down the hall as you walk down the stairs. You climb back up a split second before she could see you.
"Alright. I've got an idea, but I'm NOT gonna like it."
Stiffening your entire body, you lean back. You tumble down the stairs, grabbing the alicorn's attention, slamming your head on every step for dramatic effect.
It still hurt like hell, though.
"Anon! Are you okay?!" Twilight exclaims worriedly.
"Argh, yeah. Just slipped on some cleaning fluid. Think I twisted my ankle a couple notches." you dramatically wince.
"Oh no. Wait right here, I'll get the nurse!" "N-No no! Don't worry, Twilight. Us humans are natural born healers. I'll be fine in a day or two, don't worry." you assure her.
[Just a flesh wound.]
"Oh, alrighty then." she sighs in relief. "Do you think you could still make the sleepover?"
[I almost, but not really, died and the sleepover is her main concern?!]
"I-I'll try." you 'wince'.
"He needs a break. I'll walk him to the castle now." Spike says.
The two of you limp along outside of the school, trying to resist the urge to burst into laughter, which proved difficult upon entering the castle.
"Ha, we're in the clear!"
"I know! I need to pack." the dragon says before scurrying off.
Heading to your room, you grab your walkie.
"Doc, the trip's back on."
Later that evening, your stuff are packed and ready to go. This trip is your ticket out of here. Although, now that you think about it, is that really what you want to do...?
As you contemplate this realization, your train of thought is cut off as you see Starlight sneaking about, horn glowing.....
Near the library.
Continuing your limping act, you waddle towards the unsuspecting mare.
"What are you up to, Glimmy?"
She jumps in surprise, covering her mouth to silence her squeak.
"Anon! Don't sneak up on me like that! And what are you doing here?" she whispers furiously.
"Trying to get around on a broken ankle! What are YOU doing here?!"
"I am trying to get my books without being spotted." she states, squinting at something behind the corner.
"By who?"
You look over the corner to see Purple Smart anxiously setting things up for the nerd sleepover.
"Oooohh. Well, good luck with that. I'll be-"
"Hey guys. What's going on." Spike asks out loud.
[Biscuits...]
"There you are! I see Spike's joining us. You're JUST in time!"
Spike turns and attempts to flee before you grab his tail mid-flight.
Last night's slumber party was actually just as fun as the night before. It was always Twilight's a-dork-able optimism that kept you going and a few stories caught your interest.
Honestly, it really wouldn't have killed you to tell her about your intimate tender moment with Starlight, but you all got a decent sleepover out of it.
However, the strangest thing that night was a pretty vivid dream you had.
You've experienced this weird type of dream the during your stay in Equestria. Suddenly, a black and blue entity would show up and everything in your mind goes really fuzzy until you wake up.
Speaking of waking up, it's the crack of dawn and you find yourself cuddled on all sides by your three unconscious chums.
[Am I some sort of cuddle magn- OH MY GOSH THEY LOOK SO FREAKIN' CUTE!!!]
You tap Spike, who's laying dead center on your chest, awake and slink your way through the two mare's cuddly grip, Daring Do Indiana Jones style.
Before you could escape the drowsy dragon out of the library-
"Anonymous?" your walkie blares.
You trample your way through the clutter in the room to get out of there before the nutty professor could wake the wardens.
"Here! Me and Spike are on our way!" you hiss.
Soon, the two begin to wake up.
Placing Spike down, you pull out your player and rush to them.
Surprisingly, the crack of dawn is more peaceful than the actual morning.
Mostly because of that damned sun.
Anyways, you and Spike are heading to Whooves' place, which isn't that hard considering everypony's still asleep.
"I'm just thinking, won't Twilight wonder where you are?"
"Don't worry, told her I would be watching over you."
[What a bro.]
You two move on, eventually reaching the doctor's place. There, you see him and Goofy Derpy messing with something big under a tarp.
"You made it, old chaps. Brilliant." Whooves says excitedly.
"What's all this?" Spike asks.
"Oh, you're just in time. This is how we'll transport to the Dragon Lands. Just adding the finishing touches. Show 'em Miss Hooves." he asks.
Derpy yanks the cover off revealing a helicopter-like contraption with gears and springs galore.
"I present the Whirli-phoenix!" he exclaims.
You stop yourself. [I'm just gonna let him have that.]
"Pretty impressive." Spike says.
"What are we waiting for? Let's get this show on the road."
The four of you climb aboard the 'Whirli-phoenix'. You're still not used to the name. The machine is operated by bike pedals with balloons and umbrellas for lift. "Alrighty, do brace yourselves lads. Ol' girl's got a bit of a kick, so to speak." Whooves advises.
All of you grab onto something.
"Say that again?"
Except Derpy, who collides with the counter as the gizmo ascends.
As she rubs her head, the storage compartment opens to reveal a tray of freshly baked crumpets.
"I added an oven for........'special' purposes." he claims, looking at the ditzy pegasus who's reaching for a bag of muffins.
"I won't make THAT mistake again." she giggles, smearing the baked good on her face.
When you're not launching yourself in the air, Equestria in a bird's eye view is a sight to behold.
"Sooo, Anon?" Spike says, creeping his little claws towards your player.
You spend the majority of the trip rocking to the good stuff and chatting with your friends, most of you taking turns pedaling...
Except Derpy.
You weren't taking any chances.
"Pleeeease, can I drive?" she whimpers.
"No." you deadpan.
But those begging crooked eyes annihilated your feels. Whooves decided to let the pegasus take a spin. It was a decent start until you were comfortable enough to take a quick nap.
Your mind.
A dark, empty void. (No surprise)
A place where wacky creatures, outdated memes and one-eyed Doritos rule.
You're in the Everfree forest, surrounded by a circle of trees getting Evil Dead vibes. The large moon is shining brightly above you as a thick mist covers the ground.
"So you must be Anonymous, the 'hyewmun'? We meet at last." a booming voice echoed across the sky.
Suddenly, a black figure soars out of the moon and descends a few feet away.
"Who's there?" you ask.
The figure steps into the moonlight. It's a dark blue-ish purple alicorn with a flowing transparent mane.
"I am Luna, princess of the night." she echoes.
"Anonymous." you greet yourself with a bow. "But...you...already know that."
"Pleased to make your acquaintance." she chuckles. "Twilight Sparkle's been writing letters to my sister and I about you the past few days."
"How much did she send out?" you sigh, massaging the bridge of your nose.
"I believe......thirty five, maybe more."
[Damn it, Sparkle.]
"Apologies for that."
Luna brushes it off.
"Well, pardon me for asking but, are you REALLY here?"
"Technically. I use my magic to enter one's dreams in the Dream Realm. It took me a few tries to enter upon yours, considering your origins." she states.
[Kind of creepy, but whatever floats your boat, your Highness.]
Soon, the princess of the night's hooves slowly begin to fade and her mane glitches out.
"Um, are you okay there?"
"I'm quite alright. You're just waking up." she states before her eyes slightly widen. "Y-You appear to be a little.....TIED up at the moment, so I'll take my leave."
Luna extends her wings and floats up toward the starry night sky, her majestic form silhouetted in the light as she becomes one with the moon.
"I have to return to my royal duties! We'll meet again soon, 'hyewmun'!"
As she sinks further into the moon, a blinding light engulfs the entire landscape, consuming you and everything in sight.
"Anon, wake up!" a voice alerts you.
You find Spike and Whooves struggling to lift a rope, where the other end is tied around your ankle. Recuperating from your slumbering daze, you realize you are indeed dangling from the Whirli-phoenix.
"OHMYGOSH!" you gasp. "What's happening?!"
"I TOLD you it wasn't a good idea to let Derpy drive, Doc! But would you listen? Nooo." Spike rants.
"Apologies, my Derp-proof calculations were a little off! Always forget to carry the one!" Whooves muffles, rope in mouth.
By the severely tilted position of the aircraft, it would appear somepony had a bit of technical issues with the controls.
Two bits it involved muffins.
"I'm sorry guys! I left my bag of muffins on the passenger side. I-I thought I could reach it."
*CHA-CHING* Business is booming.
"Sheesh, Anon! I thought your time as a rabbit would've helped you lose a LITTLE weight!" Spike groans.
"I resent that!"
"I'm sorry, when did this occur again?" Whooves asks intrigued.
"Yeah, I never heard that story." Derpy adds.
"Less reminiscing and more rescuing!" you yell.
The two continue pulling while you climb the rope, the high winds tossing you around as you shimmy up to the contraption. As soon as you're aboard, Whooves darts for the controls, adjusting the machine to it's correct position.
"How........much.......LONGER?!?!" you pant.
"Down there!" Spike points.
Up ahead, you spot the Dragon Lands, a peaceful, rough, monster-infested, smoggy place of absolute merriment...
Okay, to be honest, the place looks kinda depressing in some areas. No wonder some dragons are cranky.
"Success! And right before lunchtime, I might add." Whooves exclaims proudly.
As you descend on the rocky ground, you see a small gathering of fire-breathing dragons slamming boulders against their noggins.
"You're gonna love this place. Dragon Lord Ember kept this place top notch." Spike states assuringly.
You look out to see another group of oversized lizards sloppily scarfing down sparkling gems.
You're starting to wonder if this place is the ghetto, trashy side of Equestria.
Unlike you bro, the dragons here are rough, slobby, slow-witted reptilians who, from what you could gather, love to do nothing more than beating the living lizard crap out of each other.
They're like Rainbow, but with no filter or likeability.
Besides the point, the four of you land on the rocky landscape where a few dragons spot the contraption. On cue, Whooves pushes a button that releases four claws that dig into the ground, holding it in place.
[Good call.]
"Spike old bean, do you know where the raritanium is, perchance?" Whooves asks.
"Eh, maybe Ember knows. We'll have to find her." Spike states, scratching his neck.
"And where could she be? There's, like, THOUSANDS of dragons here."
"She mostly hangs out up there." he points. Up ahead is a large mountain with a little throne on top.
There, you notice the large gap between the four of you and said throne filled with fire-happy dragons.
"Come on, let's go!" Spike says.
The giddy dragon turns to see the look of uneasiness in you and the other's faces.
"Don't worry, ponies and dragons are cool with each other so long as Ember's in charge." he assures.
[So what am I, chopped liver?!]
As you all continue down the path, you could practically FEEL the surrounding dragons glancing.
"Are you sure about this, Spike?" Derpy asks nervously.
"Of course, just act natural and be cool. I AM the dragon ambassador after all. These guys love me." he states.
Spike waddles ahead walking past two dragons.
"Hey guys, how's it goin', yo?" he greets, playfully punching one of then in the leg.
Whooves trots past as well, head down. "Um, 'yo' is it?" he mutters.
Soon follows Derpy.
"Yo! We're cool. We're low. We're on the down low. The D.L. Bring it down here, we're lowly bowly rolly polly." she babbles swing her hooves around.
You interrupt the pegasus' cringy greeting, dragging her by the ear. "Hey, how's it goin'?" you say nonchalantly walking past the confused pair.
"I think they liked me. Derpy whispers.
"Keep telling yourself that, DJ D-3RP."
Eventually, you reach the starting road up towards the mountain. It's a tall mountain but the path was short and steady.
"You three wait here. I'll go get her, just...don't anger any dragon." Spike asks.
While the little guy flies upward, the rest of you relax on a sturdy rock slab, watching the daily lives of the dragons.
"I say, the behavior of these dragons are quite-"
A nearby dragon eats a rock and burps a column of flames.
"Eh, interesting. To say the least." Whooves utters.
"Some of them smell kinda funny."
"It'll be fine. We don't mess with them, they won't mess with us."
Out of nowhere, a tall red dragon flies to the ground with two others.
Judging by the gruff appearance of the red one and the blank expressions on the other two's faces, you're going to be-
"Hey, look. More prissy ponies." the red one gags.
-harassed...
"And what are you, some kind of hairless ape?"
[Don't lose your cool, Anon. Don't wanna be burned to a crisp.]
"I-I'm a human, not an ape." you say through gritted teeth.
"Whatever. What are you doing here, planning some pretty pony party?"
His dragon lackeys guffaw at the 'insult'.
Yep. Your typical generic bully.
"Nope, we're here with Spike on private business, so if you could-"
"Pfft, where is the little runt anyway? Heard the puny loser's FINALLY gotten his puny wings."
"His wings are fine, thank you very much. What's your issue with him?" you raise your voice.
"Dragons don't do 'friends', but thanks to the little shrimp, we have to hang out with weirdo ponies like her with the goofy eyes!" he states, pointing at Derpy.
"M-My eyes aren't g-goofy." she whimpers, dejectedly.
[This guy's really bucking askin' for it.]
"I think you owe my friends an apology." you calmly ask.
"So? No little ape tells Garble what to do."
"What's your name again?" you snicker
"Garble. Something funny, wimp?" the jerk dragon asks..
"N-Nothing. It's just......what kinda dragon name is that?!" you say bursting into laughter.
You notice Whooves, Derpy and even Garble's lackeys struggling to contain their laughter.
"I don't see what's so funny! Garble's an awesome name!" he stutters.
"Man, and I thought Toothless was a weird name!"
Soon, everyone was laughing their heads off, pointing at the furious dragon.
"What, did you come up with that name when you were two or someth- OOF!" an angry Garble cuts you off, pushing you to the ground, fire in his eyes.
No pun intended.
"No one makes fun of MY name!" he yells.
As your giggling subsides, you hear a cracking sound coming from your waist. There, you see what you hoped to never see til the day you die:
Your player is damaged.
Anon.exe has stopped working.
"Aww, is the wittle ape gonna cry over a lame box. Not so funny now, huh?" he mocks.
That was the only thing here that kept you sane. The only thing remained after your grandfather's passing, the LAST thing to remember him by...
"It'll be fine, ol' chap. Best to just walk away like everypony." Whooves advises.
"Heh, what a pony-loving loser." Garble says cockily preparing to strike you.
That word, 'loser' echoes through your head, sparking something in your mind. You're suddenly in school back on Earth, on your knees with a bigger kid preparing to attack you before flashing back to reality.
"Y-You know Doc, you're right." you utter.
Whooves nods in agreement.
"But there is one tiny problem with that statement-" you catch the dragon's incoming fist.
"I'm not a pony."
You turn heel and deliver a sickeningly loud punch to your opponent's lower abdomen, sending him flying into a rock pillar.
"I knew this would happen. First the rainbow-haired pony, now this. Never learns." the other dragon lackey says annoyed.
Garble grabs a large rock and hurls it at you. You throw your fist out, effortlessly reducing the projectile to dust.
Somewhere out there, an Earth pony felt a disturbance in the rock force.
Garble throws another small boulder, you smash it, inching closer and closer to your target. More and more boulders thrown and destroyed again and again, you notice you're putting the jerk dragon at his wits end.
Eventually, you corner him against a pillar, limiting his ammunition.
"I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA REGRET IT?!" you bellow with pure hatred.
Remembering he's a freaking dragon, Garble belches a flaming ball of fire your way.
"Anon!" Spike calls out.
Fueled by blind rage, with God and anime on your side, you clutch the burning sphere in your grasp and spin at a rapid rate. The searing sensation was barely existent. At your boiling point, you chuck the fireball at the target, creating a humongous mushroom cloud of massive magnitude.
Red.
Everything is red. The only color you see in your eyes, RED. Your hands are on fire, burning up to the elbows.
Right now, you're really pissed off and searching for the target through the smoke and dust of your handiwork.
"Anon?" a voice calls out worriedly.
Turning your attention to the source of the voice, you spot Spike looking around until he sees you.
"Anon, you're alright! Wow, that was amaz-"
You clench your fists, extinguishing the flames in your hands, and tackle the dragon to the ground.
"Waah! A-Anon, it's me, Spike! Your BRO!" he screams.
The blood red in your eyes ease off as you come to your senses.
"S-Spike?" you breathe heavily.
You stagger to your feet, helping the quivering dragon up.
"A-Are you really there?" he stutters.
"I-I think so."
"What happened here?"
"It seems Garble made the wrong guy mad, again. Pretty impressive I must say."
Soon, a light-blue dragon flies in with a crystal scepter. "Don't worry, he'll have some form of punishment." she chuckles.
"Y-You think this is over?" a burnt Garble yelps groggily, trudging towards you. "There's no way I'm l-losing to a lame ape!"
"I thought I told you, I'm not an APE!" you bark, socking the dragon in the jaw.
Kneeling to one knee, you lift him by his fin ear thingy. "Who's the loser?" you whisper.
"M-Me."
Whooves and Derpy soon come into view.
"Apologize." you demand, pointing at the pegasus.
"S-S-Sorry." he whines.
"LOUDER!!!"
"UGH, SORRY!"
"Damn straight."
You slam his face into the ground and walk back to your damaged player.
"Heh, I think that's punishment enough." the light-blue dragon chuckles.
"What did he do to cause thi-" Spike's eyes widen as he sees the fallen device.
Eventually, the infuriated dragon charges at Garble, who flies away in frantic fear. Digging through the wreckage, you find the track was perfectly intact.
"Can it be fixed?" you ask Whooves.
"I honestly don't know, lad. I've made complex contraptions in the past, but not anything like this before. I'll see what I can do." he assures, pocketing the remains in his saddlebag.
You're suddenly approached by the light-blue dragon. "So this is the 'Anon' you were talking about. Dragon Lord Ember, ruler of the Dragon Lands." she greets with a claw.
"Hey."
"Yep. Cool just like I told you." Spike says.
"Remind me to not get on your bad side."
"Yeah, I guess. Let's just get this raritanium and get this over with." you utter halfheartedly.
It's funny how a world of talking mythical creatures could get someone in such an emotional state. Inside of a cave near the Dragon Land's border, the others are extracting the desired metal while you're sulking outside, staring at your Awesome Mix track. Afterwards, Spike and company come through with bags filled with raritanium. According to Whooves, it is one of the lightest metals in Equestria, so carrying it wasn't an issue.
"Well, it was great seeing you all, nice to meet you Anon." Ember says warmly.
You nod with a smile that quickly deteriorates as you all turn to leave.
"And that goes there, and that there...PERFECT!" you exclaim.
You're in the cloudy skies on the Whirli-phoenix with Whooves and the rest, carefully putting the pieces of the player together as delicately as you could. As you place the track in and push the play button, the device sputters through the speakers.
*zzzt* Tonight, the music seems so loud I wish that we could lose this crowd *zzzt*
Before falling apart again.
"So do I." you sigh, lowering your head in defeat.
"It'll be fine, Anon. You kick some serious tail today!" Spike says optimistically.
Although true, going Super Saiyan and bringing your awesome points over 9000 was cool, right now, your too depressed to care.
Eventually, Derpy scooches next to you, muffin in hoof.
"I never got the chance to thank you for what you did for me back there. You're a good friend, Anon." she says placing the muffin in your hands.
That thankful gesture brought a little smile to your face, slightly lifting your spirits.
"No problem. That's what friends are for aren't they?" you state. "By the way, your eyes look fine. Don't let anyone tell you different."
[Especially the easily offended.]
She grins widely at your statement before shoving another muffin in her face, inches away from her mouth. Soon, you notice the sun shining bright over the clouds.
"You think Twi or the others are wondering where we are?"
"Hopefully not. Judging by the position of the sun, it's most likely near the final bell." Spike states matter of factly.
Everyone on board looks at the dragon confused. "Sorry, Twilight's lessons rub off on you, ya know?"
"Well, I guess we better get there fast then."
Whooves cranks the Whirli-phoenix into maximum high gear and pedals to his limit as you all soar through the cloudy sky. Thank Molestia the bags of raritanium dangling under the aircraft are as light as a feather.
After a half hour musicless trip, you finally arrive back in Ponyville, the residents casually going bout their day.
Whooves navigates through town towards the castle where he parks near your room's tall windows. You and Spike grab your things and climb inside. "Well, it was fun travelling with you all, pretty great experience. But I have to get back to being-"
Suddenly, you hear Twilight and Starlight's voices and hoofsteps growing louder and louder.
"Injured?" Spike says nervously.
"All the same, til next time, we'll keep you posted Anonymous, ta-ta." Whooves quickly says before pedaling away with a waving Derpy.
As soon as they're out of sight, you two frantically hide your travelling bags and dive for the bed just as the two mares come trotting in.
"Hey there, you two. How's the leg, Anon?" Twilight asks.
"B-Better than ever." you state.
"Wow. I didn't know humans recovered that fast." Starlight inserts.
"Yep, my bud Spike kept me going."
"Aw, it was nothing."
Then, Twilight sniffs the air.
"What smells like burnt hair?" she asks fanning her muzzle.
It was you.
"D-uh, anyway how were you two t-today?" Spike attempts to change the subject.
"Pretty great, now you have two stacks of paperwork to help me with." she says happily.
"Yay.....lucky me." he utters unenthusiastically.
"So, how are you?" Starlight asks you expectantly.
"Not all that great, to be honest." you sigh.
"That's odd. You're usually so cheery, always a song in your heart." she states.
At the moment, there's only one song in your heart.
You reach over and hand her the bag containing your pride and joy. She looks inside with her magic and her jaw collapses.
"What's wro-" Twilight stops and her jaw sinks as well.
"I-I fell. And I broke it."
[Technically, I DID fall so that doesn't completely count as a lie. Suck it AJ!]
"All those good songs, wasted." Twilight dramatically whines.
"It put up a good fight. N-Not that there WAS a fight or anything." Spike stutters.
"We'll always have Careless Whisper, old friend." you say under your breathe, putting the player to rest...
In your bedside drawer's cabinet.
"Yeah, I-I'm sorry for your loss and all Anon, but it's just a player after all. You'll be fine." Starlight assures.
"Fine? FINE? This isn't just 'fine' Glimmy. This player made me happy when times were tough, but all that has changed. I'm never gonna dance again!" you mope, slamming your head into the pillow.
"Can you two give us a minute?" the unicorn sighs.
You hear the sound of the door close. Suddenly, a blue aura of magic lifts you off the pillow and sits you straight.
"Talk to me." she asks resting her head on your shoulder.
"No no, not this time. You're not-"
Her eyes grow larger and more sparkly.
"Y-You can't. T-That's cheating!" you yelp, leaning back as the unicorn's hoof inches closer and closer to your face until-
"Boop."
She booped you.
[D'oh!]
"Alright alright, you win! I'll talk!"
"Ha! A certain li'l, green furball taught me that one." she giggles.
You sigh and finally crack, telling the cheeky mare why your Walkman was such an important keepsake. You laughed at the happy memories, you cried at the heavy parts, until you both are laying down facing the ceiling sipping on Starlight's 'comforting cocoa' as she calls it. Tastes awesome, by the way.
Eventually, you shared all of the pain you could spare to the unicorn, even she got a little choked up occasionally.
"And that's my whole story. Thought I'd return the favor after our 'sleepover'." you joke.
"I never knew you were hurting so much." Starlight admits, pulling you into a tight hug.
"I-It's fine. Thanks for hearing me out, I needed that."
"I'm a counselor, it's my job."
"Hehe, do I have to pay you or something for that?"
"Maaaaaybe..." she hums, turning her attention to your pleasure sticks hands.
[I-Is she REALLY getting off one these?]
You fill your end of the bargain and scratch behind her ears. "And try not to fall asleep this time, 'kay?"
"I-I'll try." she sighs as you rub both her ears.
[Finally got a girl in my room. Too bad it's a friggin' pony! How sad is that?!]
After your therapy session, you and Glimmy head to the kitchen for a quick snack when you bump into Spike and a cheesing Twilight with Dragon Pit floating in her magic.
"Guess what I found in the library!" she squeaks excitedly.
Both of your shocked expressions told her everything.
"We're in!"
"Bring it!"
"But first, let's talk about the amount of letters you send, Twi."
[Ah, yet another peaceful morning in Equestri-AAH!]
Your good friend, sunlight, has returned to warmly greet you.
Pun intended.
Suck it.
It's been two days since your dear player's funeral. You're still a little torn up about it, but thanks to your best pal, Starlight, you went from a grieving child to a coping man-child.
Today, you're gonna mare man up and get your cray cray life back on track. You toss on some clothes and head off to work.
The day was pretty average at the school. Although, it's strange how, even though you were gone for just a day, there have been alot more rooms than you usually clean piling up that Twilight would assign you to handle. Punishing to say the least.
There are other janitors at this school, ya know!
Anyways, you're going through your routine jam-free sweeping down the corridor, when you see a group of students having a conversation.
When they spot you, they tone it to a whisper, occasionally glancing back.
[Okay then.] you think.
From what you managed to hear, their talk had something to do with you.
Not wanting to be THAT guy, you move on with your business...
Which is a little difficult considering how EVERYONE is staring at you when you pass by, either in shock or awe.
Especially Pinkie.
Eventually, you run into your dragon bro, who's talking to a group of student dragons. Upon seeing you however, he hurriedly drags the group towards you.
"And here's the big guy himself." Spike presents like you were some kind of museum exhibit.
All the other dragons ooh'd or ahh'd like Mystery Shack tourists, eyeing your form.
"Go ahead, Anon! Tell them about how you kicked Garble's-MMH!"
You clutch the squirt's mouth shut as Applejack trots by, looking suspicious.
"Uh, yeah, you're so funny, we should do that some time!" you say, taking the conversation off-topic.
AJ tilts her head in confusion as she leaves the scene before you release the dragon's mouth.
"What was that for?"
"Ya know, next time don't tell my amazing heroics in front of the girls, 'kay bro? Also don't lie kids, stay in school."
"But we're already in school." one of the dragons point out.
"Exactly. Here, tooth of Garble." you snicker. "Don't use it all at once." you chuckle tossing a tooth you knocked out of the jerk dragon into the claws of one of the students.
While the rest crowd around to observe the proof, you lean in close to Spike.
"Is It me, or is everyone acting strange today?" you whisper.
"U-Um...I don't know what you're talking about. Everything seems perfectly f-fine to me." he nervously assures.
It's honestly sad how horrible these creatures are at lying, and your bro is no exception.
"Okay then...I'll just get back to work."
"Oh, see ya."
Lunchtime.
Once again, the feeling of everyone's eyes on you continues to plague your paranoid mind. As you're eating a salad, Pinkie bounces to the seat next to you, struggling to restrain her inexplicable excitement.
"Soooo, what are you doing later today, Nonny?" she asks, eyes rubbing against your head.
"Eh, nothing much. Probably take a power nap or something, find a book on PERSONAL space." you state, delicately pushing the mare's pupils back into their sockets.
"Great! By the way, what's your favorite dessert?" she asks.
"Well, I don't really have an all-time favorite dessert, but there was this one treat from my world called 'birthday cake ice cream'." you state.
"Uh huh. Wait, YOU CAN MAKE ICE CREAM AND CAKE INTO ONE?!?!" she shrieks, jotting down the notes at lightning speed. "That is SO going on my treats list!"
"Heh, haven't had that stuff in years. Why do you ask? Are you getting inspiration for those 'experimental' confections of yours."
Your stomach churns upon reminiscing that dreaded morning.
"Heehee, something like that. Okay, BYE!"
And just like that, she was gone.
[Alrighty then...]
Sometimes you wonder if that cotton candy-haired psycho is even a PONY at all.
Afterwards, it's near final bell and you're wiping down the dusty top shelves in the school's library when you suddenly spot a little fuzzy bug-eyed spider. Like any logical individual, you're terrified of them and prepare to swat the thing until you see Fluttershy nearby looking for a book.
"Hey, Fluttershy, i-is this s-spider yours?" your voice cracks.
The timid pegasus glides down to inspect the insect and her ears perk up.
"Oh, there you are Lucas." she quietly exclaims delicately picking him up.
"Lucas?" you ask.
"I was looking for the little guy all day." she states.
[Sad how a pony, as shy as she is, is less afraid of spiders than you.]
"Okay, Rarity needs you and the others in her classroom, i-if it's not too much trouble." she whispers.
'Lucas' nods and scurries off inside the bookshelves before momentarily returning with a wave of small spiders that crawl their way down the shelves like a waterfall towards the door, startling students passing by. The sight alone almost made you lose your grip of the ladder and faint, so you call it a day.
"A-Anyways, Fluttershy have you noticed everyone's acting weird?"
The pegasus's eyes widen and dart all over the place.
"U-Um...I don't know what you're t-talking about. Everything seems p-perfectly fine to me." she says hiding her face under her pink mane.
"Okay, then. See ya." you utter, sliding down the ladder.
[I'm gonna get to the bottom of this mess.]
Soon, you follow the army of eight-legged monsters to Rarity's class where the mare is directing the crawlers around something behind a curtain.
"Now just a tiny little knit there, Darling. Oh, this'll look stunning!"
"Afternoon, Miss Rarity. How's your day going?"
"Oh, A-Anonymous! What a surprise to see you." she says nervously. "I-I'm doing fine, just making finishing touches to an outfit."
While keeping a straight smile, Rarity slowly tugs the curtain over, blocking the 'outfit' from your view.
[Third time's the charm.]
"I was just wondering what's everyone's deal is. Is everyone hiding something?" you ask.
[U-Um...I don't know what you're talking about. Everything seems perfectly f-fine to me.] "U-Um...I don't know what you're talking about. Everything seems perfectly f-fine to me."
[Knew it. How bucking predictable.]
"Great. No doubt that outfit'll look fabulous, by the way."
"Oh, you have NO idea." she adds confidently.
You roll your eyes before leaving the room.
Suddenly, the bell rings and the halls were flooded by students in the blink of an eye. After the place clears, Rainbow and AJ cross your path, whispering to each other.
Not wanting to go through that routine again, you turn heel and head to put your gear away.
This whole day did nothing but give you Truman Show vibes with these ponies. Right now, your strolling down the road out of the school when the walkie buzzes.
"Anonymous!" a voice yells under loud winds.
"Doc, is that you? What's going on?" you ask in concern.
"It's- excuse me for a tick! Miss Hooves, you can turn it off now!" he hollers.
"Okay!" Derpy yells.
The blowing sound steadily dies down.
"Ah, much better. Anonymous, I have great news." Whooves states.
"Hit me with it."
"We have successfully fixed the portal ray!"
You stop in your tracks, mouth hanging.
"Y-You're kidding, t-that's great! I'll be there as soon as a possible." you say ecstatically.
"Glad to hear. Soon you'll be with your friends-"
Suddenly, your mind flashes to your dance-off at your 'Welcome to Equestria' party, to your surfing race with the Crusaders and the 'history' lesson with Cheerilee's class.
"Your family-"
Then it flashes to your bonding time with the Apple family's reunion.
All the while your cheesy grin slowly fades away.
"Yeah, can't wait." you unenthusiastically say.
Out of nowhere, a brown and white dog collides with your legs, jumping on you in excitement.
"W-What the- Winona? What are you doing here, girl?" you ask kneeling to pet the canine.
BARK she yips happily.
There, you notice a note attached to her collar.
Meet me at Town Hall!
~PP
P.S. :
Under the words was a flap taped down that spontaneously pops open, throwing confetti in every inch of your face.
Then it hits you. Unlike the confetti.
Your friends acting skittish, Pinkie asking what your favorite dessert was, everyone being secretive...
[Surprise party. Typical, but I'll play along.]
"I'm.....gonna have to call you back, Doc." you chuckle before heading into town with Winona.
As you walk through Ponyville, you could tell how abnormally empty it was.
"Dang, it's like a ghost town here, isn't it Winona?"
Winona pants profusely.
"Oh. Forgot some creatures can't talk like the rest of everypony."
[Kinda inconsistent, to be real.]
Finally, you reach the Hall where you are greeted by the Cakes of all ponies.
"Anonymous, what brings you here?" Mrs. Cake asks innocently.
"Um, Pinkie asked me to meet her here? I think it's a party of some sort."
"Odd. Haven't seen her all day." Mr. Cake states.
Then the scent of cotton candy perfume consumes your nose.
"Oh, really now?"
You casually walk around, examining the area.
"Shave and a haircut." you hum tapping the side of the Hall's walls in rhythmic succession.
Nothing but silence.
You creep your way to the doors leading inside.
"Shave and a haircut."
Nothing still.
"Um.....what are you doing, exactly?" Mr. Cake asks.
"Oh, just checking to see if Pinkie was here. We have this jingle she ALWAYS responds to. But if she's not, I'll just-"
As you turn, a small lone red present on a nearby table jumps a little.
You lean on the table, tapping to the beat as the box rattles violently.
"Shave and a haircut..."
The box bursts open, confetti and balloons everywhere and the hyperactive mare leaps from the spectacle.
"TWO BITS!!!" she sings out loud.
Suddenly everypony in town jump from their hiding spots yelling 'SURPRISE'.
[Shoot! The whole town's here!]
Everypony cheers as Pinkie jumps around you.
"So, how's your surprise Nonny? Are you surprised, huh huh huh?!" she asks at a hurried pace.
"Well...I'm surprised you could fit in that box, first of all." you point out.
"Meh, it's not that hard." she shrugs off.
"And I'm kinda shocked the whole town came."
"Why WOULDN'T they come? You're a fun 'hyewmun' to be around Nonny!"
"And a good friend." Twilight warmly adds.
"Twi, what's all this for?"
"We came up with this party as a thank you for being such a super duper friend!" Pinkie states.
She stops herself mid-air and backs away, remebering her promise. Before she could react, you pull the mare into a tight hug. "It's okay. Consider our promise done for."
The shocked pony returns the hug.
"Eh, Pinkie summed it up." AJ states. "Ya are a pretty good pal." AJ adds.
"And you have a keen eye for fashion." Rarity inserts, handing you a suit made from the spiders.
"But YOU made them."
"And? What's the problem?"
You shake your head as Rainbow grabs you in a choke hold.
"AND you're a pretty decent challenger." she says.
"I could take you on any time, any place Dashie." you say, giving the pegasus a wet willy.
"I don't know what Rainbow's talking about, you're AWESOME!" Spike retorts.
"......yay." Fluttershy says quietly.
It wasn't much, but you could listen to that mare say 'yay' for hours, it was so cute.
"Anon? Are you cr-"
"No!" you tearfully blurt out in defense. "I-I just wanna...p-punch a wall to assert my manliness."
Soon, the six ponies and dragon huddle around you for a group hug.
[Urgh! They're making it WORSE!!!]
"T-Thank you. Thank you all. You have absolutely NO idea how much this means to me. It's a great honor to have you all as my friends." you say wholeheartedly.
"Well I'm glad to hear that." a voice calmly says.
Suddenly, everypony in the area bows down, eyes closed.
The girls and Spike smile, staring at something behind you.
Hesitantly, you turn to see a tall, white alicorn with a perpetually flowing mane, almost like Princess Luna's. Could this be...?
"P-Princess Celestia?" you ask meekly.
"Hm, that would be I. And you must be Anonymous, I presume?" she asks.
"T-That I am, your majesty. A pleasure." you elegantly say with a bow. "I apologize for putting you through Twilight's bombardment of letters about myself."
"I said I was sorry!" Twilight yells in the background.
"It's quite alright. My faithful student is known for things like that."
The egghead rubs her neck in embarrassment.
"But it's nice to see newcomers making friends so easily."
"Yep. Had a pretty good teacher for that."
Twilight blushes, looking at the ground.
[Jesus, you and Sunbutt are putting this mare on an emotional rollercoaster ride!]
"Well, I just came to give the first 'human' visitor here an Equestrian welcome." Celestia states before walking into a chariot with two pegasi at the reins. "I'd stay and talk but I have my royal duties to attend to. I hope to see you again soon, Anonymous."
You give her another bow as the chariot ascends into the sky, towards the faraway castle in the horizon.
Soon, everypony stomps in applause before socializing and partying in your honor.
Everything was perfect.
But then, you felt like something was missing...
"Where's Starlight?" you ask looking around.
"Right here!" the aforementioned unicorn teleports in, handing you a light red velvet present.
Whatever was inside packed alot of weight into it, though. You slowly tear away the wrapping paper before cracking the lid. There, your eyes were at the edge of falling out of your holes and you nearly pass out from excitement.
Right there, in your lap, is your player, good as new.
"Surprise!" Starlight exclaims.
You're a blubbering fidgeting mess right now.
"Well? What are you waiting for?" she asks in anticipation.
You look at your fixed player and delicately push play.
"Me and Starlight MAY have pulled a few 'magic' strings and, voila!" Twilight states proudly.
"E-Excuse me a sec."
You rush behind Town Hall, and pull out your walkie. Before you could call Whooves, you look out to everyone in attendance, having a good time and dancing to your jams.
[You absolute DUMBASS! What were you thinking?!]
"Doc? A change in plans. I think I'll...stay here for a while, maybe even longer."
"I'm honestly glad you said that, old chap. I enjoyed doing experiments and making gadgets like the one's in your world." Whooves states.
"So does that mean you will be staying?" a voice asks.
"Of course!"
"Brilliant!"
You pause and see a grinning Twilight looking at you.
"Ooh, how long did you know?" you wince.
"Ever since the day you asked me what raritanium was. You do know I hear everything you guys talk about on this, right?" she says, waving a walkie in her magic.
You facepalm as the alicorn wraps you in a tight hug. "But hey, it's fine as long as you never, ever, ever, ever, EVER lie to me and take my assistant to the Dragon Lands without my consent again." she cheerfully says, aggressively squeezing you with every 'ever'."
"N-Noted." you grunt.
Twilight releases you and you go back to the party.
That night, you say your goodbyes and condolences to those who tried the experimental pie and hit the hay.
In your dream world mindscape-whatever, you are in a bizarre version of Ponyville with floating buildings and raining apples when a deep raspy voice echoes through the world.
"It's been a long time, son."
That voice.
It sounded like something you thought you'd never hear.
"P-Pop?" you stutter.
Soon, an elderly man baring a close resemblance to you morphs into view. "The one and only." the old man chortles.
You rush at him at pull him into a huge hug.
"I thought I'd never see you again! How'd you get here?" you frantically spew questions.
"Whoa, whoa! One at a time, son. Still hate babblin', even in death."
"I-I'm sorry. I just missed you so much. My life was a mess when you left."
"It seems you're doin' just fine on your own." he says, looking at a memory of you with your new 'friends'.
"Y-Yeah. It's a long story."
"And it's a story that deserves a new chapter." he states wisely.
[Thank you, Mr. Miyagi.]
"I know ya hate those 'clichéd' lines but I'll always be with you. Right. Here." he states pointing at your chest.
[#E.T.forthewin!]
"About time to start a new chapter in your life."
You wrap him in another tearful hug.
"I don't even care about them anymore." you chuckle, wiping your face.
"Hm. Why don't you play us a song for ol' time's sake?" he asks.
"So then, boulders hitting my hands, ricochets off my palms, I'm talkin' BOOM BOOM BOOM! Sounded like we were filming Drumline 3. And that's when the fire kicked in, provoking the frightened jerkwad."
"And he was all 'Stay back, stay back!' and he-"
"Whoa, calm down bro." you cut the dragon off. "I'm getting to the good part."
You and Spike are valiantly telling Cheerilee's class your epic and 'perilous' adventure in the Dragon Lands through skillful origami with your guitar.
"He throws a fireball and I returned to sender, leaving 'em a soot-covered mess." you say, turning a red dragon figurine pitch black.
"What awesome moves do you know?" Scootaloo asks excitedly.
"Hm, just the basics. I know karate, kung fu, John Wu, judo, kendo, taekwondo, anything-you-can-do, Wu Tang Klan and, uh....tai chi."
"Are you SURE you did that?" AppleBloom asks skeptically.
"Spike, bro, light it up."
The dragon takes a deep breath before setting your left hand ablaze. You present your burning proof to the awestruck foals before extinguishing the flames in your clutches.
[Damn, that bucking hurts.]
"And that's how he vanquished Garble!" Spike states, triumphantly stepping on the charred figure and reducing it to ashes. Soon, you and the class burst into laughter upon hearing the name.
"That'll never get old." you snicker.
"Alright. Break is over, you two." Twilight says through the walkie. "And don't give me that 'five more minutes' deal again, Spike."
The little dragon slams his mouth shut after that last part.
"Gotcha, on our way, Twi."
Every foal then groans in disappointment.
"Sorry, kids. Duty calls, and if you say 'literally' just ONCE you'll be the next dragon vanquished."
Spike slams his mouth once again.
You hoof bump every excited foal as you two walk out of the schoolhouse.
If your mouth could comically water like a waterfall, it would have.
"This is perfect." you utter with a warm smile, only for it to fade away as you spot a pie in a pink tin. "But I am NOT eating that."
"Heh, you two're just 'n time!" AJ nods.
Soon, you and Spike get settled and ate to your heart's content. Well, you two would've bro'd out if the others weren't around. You blindly slurp a spaghetti noodle when you feel something tugging it. You're soon staring dead at a wide-eyed Starlight.
"H-Heyyy you." you say mouth full.
"H-Hiiii......you." she muffles back.
Eventually, you both realize your slurping is pulling you closer.
And closer.
And CLOSER...
"Spike, get a knife, GET A KNIFE!" you utter frantically as you slowly close the distance between you and your unicorn pal.
The dragon rummages through the picnic basket until he returns with a butter knife and lightly cuts the noodle in two, saving you and Starlight from an awkward fate.
"Y-You're a lifesaver, bro." you pant heavily.
"Ya know you could've pulled it apart easily, right?" Spike points out in a sly tone.
"T-The spaghetti was t-too tender, I couldn't help it!" you stutter in defense. "Y-Yeah, Pinkie must've added something to mix!" Starlight inserts.
"Heeeey!" the party pony groans.
"Uh huh, sure." the cheeky dragon says AS he's going to sit by Rarity with googly eyes.
[Hypocrite.]
Without warning, Starlight leans in, wraps you in a hug and gives you a split-second peck on the cheek.
"Ugh, pony germs. Why, though?" you playfully groan in disgust.
"To annoy you. Don't think I'm letting you off the hook for trying to leave here without even saying goodbye."
"I was going through my feels, I lost track!"
"Hush, they're about to start!" Rainbow hisses in excitement.
Soon, fireworks launch from the far off mountains into the sky as the sun descends on the horizon and light up as the night arrives.
~PP 
